For as long as I can remember as a child, up until present day in my adulthood, there’s always been someone out there who has referred to me as being “too sensitive”. I hated being labelled “too sensitive” it has left me with an negative affect. To me being called too sensitive can only be perceived as being weak, vulnerable and behaving too feminine. In society resembling any of those attributes meant you were unworthy and not to be taken seriously. It took many years of dating numerous men to realize being sensitive was really not a bad thing. Some men broke my heart and some men I was more than happy to get rid of and then I hit the road running. Sometimes running really fast without ever looking back lol. All in all the heart ache was the same and it didn’t get any easier.
I am lucky to say I have experienced many great loves in my life. The 3 most significant were the relationships were in different phases of my life. The first love was a young, juvenile love. It was my high school love. We dated for almost 2 years. It was a fantasy relationship thinking that we together, would be unstoppable and would be together forever. I quickly realized I was SO wrong. When it was time for me to be going away to University, I knew we had no future together. My second love was more of a mature love. We were best of friends and the relationship was relatively easy. We got along for the most of the part. This relationship lasted 6 years. It was more about discovering and learning what I wanted in life and a life partner. Unfortunately that relationship ended because he cheated on me. The third love was more into my adulthood. I had finished my Massage Therapy schooling and was about to write my professional licensing board exam. This relationship was definitely more about growth and what I needed from myself in the long run. This relationship was the most toxic. It lasted for 4 years and it was the hardest thing to bounce back from. The break up was probably one of the most lowest points in my life. After all those relationships I became more sensitive. I didn’t want to feel like that ever again. I figured if I could make others happy then I could make myself happy. I was sensitive to what others would say or do. I was sensitive to the needs of others. I was super sensitive to other’s feelings and more aware of my own feelings. I was sensitive to people and events happening around me. I was too sensitive.
After that last relationship I was shattered. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to go out for months. All I wanted to do was stay home and cry. I honestly believed I wouldn’t date anyone after him. Haha good thing I was SO wrong about that scenario. It wasn’t until my good guy friends forced me to go out and to just have fun. I still remember the conversation I had with one of my best guy friends like it was yesterday. My buddy was sick and tired of me being a “Debbie Downer” and said it was time to get the old Fiona back. The girl who laughed at everything and didn’t care what other people thought about her. It’s probably the best advice anyone has ever given me and I remember his words always. My buddy turned to me and said “Fiona if you want to be happy. Just be happy”. I took a step back and just absorbed what I was being told. All I could think about was how could it be that easy? So simple. But it was. Change your attitude, change your outcome.
Over the years I have read so many self help books, worked with several spiritual teachers, life coaches and all sorts of healers. I’ve taken up to practice meditation more often. I’ve learned that being sensitive wasn’t necessarily bad. I learned what I no longer tolerated and what I most desired in life. The reasons I was sensitive because of situations in my life that have triggered memories from my past. Some things that ended badly or unresolved. I’m learning to not care so much and not be offended with how people treat me. If I treat myself with the utmost respect then the only happiness that matters is my own.
I still dislike when people call me too sensitive but at least now I can understand where it’s coming from and why people think that about me. I try not to take it too seriously when I am called “too sensitive” now. What I do know for sure is that I am not; I am not weak, I am not vulnerable. I am a woman and I’m not afraid or ashamed to show a little more of my softer feminine side. I am worthy and I will be taken seriously. I may have had my heart broken a handful of times but I always manage to pick up the pieces and find a brand new love. I have so much love to give but first things first…me first.
Memoirs of an Emotional Fish 