Heart & Soul Pours

You would think someone of my highly intuitive and sensitive nature, I’d be the type of person who loves to cry. I don’t.

Even with my astrological Sun sign is Pisces and my Moon is Cancer and my ascending is also Cancer, I’m essentially all water. Not to mention, I was born on a Wednesday. Apparently being born on a Wednesday is person full of woe and sorrow. The odds are heavily weighed against me to be emotional train wreck. However, I prefer the term a sensitive soul.

I guess it’s been ingrained into my well-being that crying is not okay. I remember being a kid and someone saying to me “Stop crying. You’re making an ugly face when cry. Go wash you face and put away those tears.” So I stopped crying.

I developed pretty thick skin, so my exterior has always been tough and strong. But my heart has always been a little on the sensitive side. I may not cry at sappy romantic comedies or if I got hurt badly while playing sports. Even when I got punched in the face, I did not cry. But I have certainly cried after a relationship breakup, death of a loved one, failing an exam, car accidents and even at some beautifully made music just to name a few. I would only cry if there was a good reason for crying.

Crying to me, has always been a sign of weakness and vulnerability. I have always wanted to appear confident and strong. I never understood when friends would say they love a “good cry” and how they feel after getting it all out. When I think of crying I think of tragedy, trauma or pain. Why would I want to feel pain? It didn’t make much sense to me.

Like any other person in their life, I have experienced tragedy, trauma and pain. I have cried so hard my eye sockets were so dry and I thought I would have no more tears left to cry. But I cried in private. I only cried when no one else would see me. I would cover my face with my pillow so nobody could hear me crying. I was ashamed to cry.

Throughout my life I’ve done a lot of soul searching with from numerous self help books, metaphysical courses, spiritual retreats, plant medicines ceremonies, meditation journeys, journaling to help me understand more about myself and my growth as a person.

What I discovered, was the more I allowed my heart to really be open, then I was able to “Let Go” and surrender to whatever was coming up for me. I have allowed myself to cry again. Some tears of pain but now more so tears of gratitude. Tears of joy. Tears of happiness. Tears of love. Tears of cleansing my soul and my fulfilling my heart’s desire.

One of the best cries in my life was at a yoga meditation retreat in Guadalajara, Mexico. I had a falling out with a best friend. I was also, so in love with this guy who left me to return back to the States. My heart hurt so much at the beginning of the class. I also would be returning back to Canada and felt I didn’t feel fulfilled with the retreat.

The class was all about surrender. I remember it, if it was clear as day. I decided to let myself be here and be now. I was fully immersed in my breath and the yoga poses. My breathing was intense and electrifying. I managed to slow my breath down in difficult poses, so I could get deeper into the pose. I remember, I was in camel pose. I could never fully lie flat on the ground without feeling pain in my legs and hips. I kept breathing but had vision of my ex best friend and the guy who broke my heart.

The instructor came over to me and told me to breathe into the pose. She tapped onto my sternum and whispered “Let Go” and like that as of she hit a switch, my entire body went flat to the floor and tears instantly came flooding out of my eyes. The instructor said “You have been holding onto something for quite sometime. Let it out.”

My breath was intense. I felt as if my heart energy had actually opened up and was flowing freely. I felt a warm tingly sensation all over my skin. It wasn’t until I was laying in shavasana and my breath became organically orgasmic. My body was vibrating. My heartbeat felt like it was coming out of my chest. I felt like I was levitating right off the ground. I essentially felt like I was high on drugs. But I had not taken anything. Not even a sip of water.

So then I cried and I cried and I cried. It was the most amazing cry of my life. I saw my ex best friend and the guy who broke my heart in my visions. All I heard was “Everything will be okay” and everything was better than okay. Everything was pure love and beyond amazing.

I still don’t enjoy crying and I don’t feel comfortable crying in front of others. But I’m learning to embrace being one with my feelings and surrendering to letting go. Crying does not have to be about something tragic. Crying can be about something beautiful and merely loving life. I may not love crying but I am learning to just let it happen. Crying is a good cleanse for the mind, body and soul. Whatever happens in my life, I will always remember it’s okay not being okay.