February 23rd

I’m doing my best to keep it together today. Much like any other day it’s just another day. But the significance of this date haunts me every year. While some of the details have faded out of my memory, some things remain ingrained into my brain. Believe me, I have tried to forget but there are somethings you can never forget.

I sit here with a smile on my face, desperately trying to hold back my tears. I feel the heaviness on my shoulders and a deep ache in my heart. I write these words not for any sympathy, but to heal my old wounds. I need to release this pain, so I am able to heal my heart.

This whole week leading up to this date I have felt extreme sadness and had no idea why or where it was coming from. I’m usually happy, upbeat, positive and in the best of moods. Then I looked at the date and I finally remembered why. Something happened to me a few years ago, which was a very traumatic experience and a very low point in my life. I won’t get into any details but if you can “read between the lines” I’m sure you can figure it out.

I always imagine what my life would be like if I had gone the other direction. Sometimes in life you are caught between a rock and a hard place. You have to make decisions that ultimately affects the rest of you life. Good choice? Bad choice? Right decision? Wrong decision? In the end it’s whatever is best for me.

I am a very strong and confident woman, but I’m still a woman. I have a soft, delicate and vulnerable heart. Nothing can prepare you for how you feel emotionally when you lose a loved one.

Every February 23rd my body and mind remind me that a part of me died that day. Pieces of my heart. Pieces of my soul. Pieces of my essence. Pieces of me gone forever.

It takes every ounce of my being to remind myself that I am okay especially on this day. I believe deep down in my soul that everything in life will work out perfectly. I deserve the very best in life. I need to always do what’s best for me. I always have to be grateful for everything that I have and everything that is coming to me.

I smile through my tears, because I know there is so much more life out there for me. My tears may still fall and heart might still ache from time after time. But it’s okay, because I know one day my tears will be for joy and my heart will be full of love. I know when I get there it will be the best day and years of my life.