I truthfully have been feeling all out of sorts lately. I am overcome with sadness and bitterness. Sometimes it’s hard to celebrate everyone else’s wonderful life moments when I feel I am stuck at a crossroads. I feel like everyone around me is moving onto the next chapter of their lives.
Whether people are buying their first new home, having their first child or second child, getting engaged or changing careers they are doing something new and exciting. I’m not saying my life isn’t exciting because life in itself is absolutely exciting just to be alive. I love life and am grateful every morning and every night for whatever the day has given me.
I know I should not compare my life to others or be concerned about my timeline. But it’s hard not to, knowing I’m only getting older as the clock ticks closer to death. I would be lying if I said I was happy-go-lucky every day. Most of my days I am incredibly happy and loving life. I am also a human being and I cannot help to feel sad or worthless at times. I see all these good and beautiful moments happening to everyone around me. It makes me wonder “What’s wrong with me?” and “Am I not worthy of the good things in life?”
I try to always live my life with love in every aspect of my being. Love for others and love for myself. To love what I do and to love what I am capable of doing. When I love life and be grateful, everything seems to go with the flow naturally. I always seem to get everything I want, desire and more. But lately, I feel am constantly trying fight away feelings of fear, sadness and doubt. So maybe there’s a reason these feelings of insecurity keep coming up and I am meant to address them in my life.
My problem is that I take things to heart. I love easily. I get emotional and get out of sorts with my feelings. My deepest desire in life is to be loved. To be loved so much that I have a reason for living. I am always reminded of my grandma aka Mama. I can’t explain it but the way she loved me was like no other. Even more than how my parents love me. The way Mama loved me was deep and real heartfelt love. I could feel it in my bones. Maybe I’m crazy to think that someone would ever love me like that ever again.
I hold that kind of love deep within my heart. This is one of the reasons why I want to be a mother. I feel I have so much love to give it is meant for growing children. I have had many relationships with men, some of which I thought I loved so deeply and others I just had lustful love. I look at my friends and family who have these beautiful amazing families and I cannot help to be envious. I want that life. I dream of a life of love like that always. I pray every night that everything that I’m doing is creating the life I want.
In honour, of my grandma aka mama, I decided to get an anatomical heart on the left side of my arm. A literal heart on my sleeve, as cliche as that may be, it is what it is. I am reminded to love from the “Deep of my Heart” and I added her signature from a birthday card, so she can always brighten my day and be by my side. Everything is happening around me and I am completely taken care of because she’s watching over me. My time will come and everything I’ve ever dreamed of will come true. I know this is true because how much I love. There is no greater power than the power of love.
Memoirs of an Emotional Fish 