Crack my Heart Wide Open

Today the unimaginable happened, I cried. Not just a single tear, but tears and tears streaming down my face. I was overcome with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and pain. I have been trying all year to be more vulnerable, and step more into my feminine side. I feel like the emotions have been building for months now. With everything that has happened, it was only a matter of time that I would release my pent up and stuck emotions.

I participated in a sweat lodge in the summer time with the intention to release my tears and let go my emotions. I could not for the life of me shed a single tear. I did however, purge my feelings into the forest. I did feel like a heavy weight had been lifted from the pit of my stomach, but I still did not cry. The lesson I took away from the sweat lodge, was that I have to let go the need to control.

Most recently, a few weeks ago I participated in a burn ceremony. I gathered a bag of journals, love letters, momentos, stories and a collection of personal stuff that I had been holding onto for 30+ years. My intention for the burn ceremony was to read those journal entries and release the words written and emotions attached. I am not going to lie, it was painful reading the words out loud, and revisiting the emotions attached to those written words. As painful as it was to read the words out loud, it was also quite liberating. It gave me a sense of freedom, peace in my heart, and feelings of forgiveness. It was a beautiful ceremony, and I could feel my emotions coming to the surface to be set free. I did not cry. The lesson I took away from the burn ceremony, was that even though I released many parts if me, there was still so many more layers to heal.

I feel like I am walking down the longest, most scenic route path of my life, patiently waiting for something to happen. I just want to feel love, so much love that I have a reason for existing. I want to be held in a way, that I feel safe, secure and supported. I want to forgive those that hurt me, and those that I hurt. My deepest desire is to be a mother, and to give birth to my own child. I want to crack my heart wide open just to feel love and be loved.

Over the past months, I have been collaborating with a like minded soul Goddess. We have been holding a sacred healing space for others with yoga, reiki, breathwork and past life exploration hypnosis. Two days ago, we held space for the last sacred healing container. The reiki energy was thick and palpable. I finished the session with a journey to Akashic Records. Even though I was facilitating the guided hypnosis journey, I think the words were healing me at my own subconscious level.

I stumbled across a Buddhist prayer and really loved the words, I read it over and over out loud. I found the words really beautiful, and they really seem to resonate with everything that I have been going through physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

“May I be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit. May I be free from injury. May I live in safety. May I be free from disturbance, fear, anxiety, and worry. May I learn to look at myself with the eyes of understanding and love. May I be able to recognize and touch the seeds of joy and happiness in myself. May I learn to identify and see the sources of anger, craving, and delusion in myself. May I know how to nourish the seeds of joy in myself every day. May I be able to live fresh, solid, and free. May I be free from attachment and aversion, but not be indifferent.”

And then it happened, I cried.

I woke up with heavy feeling of emotions, and was processing the thoughts passing through my mind. I was struck with clarity, purpose and wanting to bare my soul. It came on all of a sudden, but the opening of the flood gates started streaming down my face. I released, I let go and it was exactly what I needed. The biggest lesson I discovered was, I have to listen to my heart. If anything in life is not serving my soul, I need to let it go. In order for me to fully feel love, I need to feel safe. Safe to be free, just as me.