Since February is love month I decided to dedicate the whole month to practicing meditation for the next 29 days. My focus for each meditation will consist of all things love. I’ll be using the Deepak Chopra meditation phone app “Living in Love”, the meditations and music will be random for 30 minutes a day. I’ll be pulling an angel card after each session to see what topic I will focus on for that day. The intention of this practice is to learn to love myself first from the inside out. This will help me open my heart to others and be more loving and heart centred. I hope to create a more loving vibe that will attract only the right people, the ones who really belong in my life. I say this all the time but love is everywhere and it’s all around. You just have to know where to look to find it.
Meditation is not always easy, as my mind tends to drift or my thoughts try to cloud my brain. Sometimes it’s very hard to shut off that outside clutter or even the inside chatter. But I am determined. For me if I want something to work, I have to make notes or journal my progress. So far so good. As I round out week 1 it is becoming a lot easier to set aside 30 minutes a day to meditate. So with the topic Love in mind here’s what my first week looked like.
Day 1 Topic – Love in all things
Music – The gifts of love
Angel Card – Forgiveness
Day 2 Topic – Releasing the past
Music – Free to be Joyous
Angel Card – Understanding
Day 3 Topic – Your heart’s energy
Music – A grateful heart
Angel Card – Delight
Day 4 Topic – Honoring your true self
Music – Just the way I am
Angel Card – Inspiration
Day 5 Topic – Finding release through rituals
Music – Joy
Angel Card – Beauty
Day 6 Topic – Gratefulness
Music – Dawn
Angel Card – Freedom
It’s like anything you practice, if you keep doing it you’ll get better at it. I’m not good at meditating on my own. That’s why I think this phone app is really great. I don’t need to think too much. All I need is to listen to the words. I also like the pulling of the angel cards after the session because it really helps me focus on certain things in my life.
Now that I have been meditating more regularly I am noticing how more aligned I have become with the universe. Things that I think about all of a sudden appear or happen. Coincidences seem to be happening a lot more often. People that I think about message me or randomly I bump into on the street. I catch myself saying “Oh my God that’s so crazy!” whenever something that I think about suddenly becomes real life. Not everyone meditates or even understands how to do it. I’m not even sure if I’m doing it right. I focus on my breath and let the beautiful music and soft spoken words take me away. But I do know how I feel after. I am calmer. I feel more at peace within my mind and body. I sleep better. My dreams are more vivid. I don’t get upset easily or angry. I’m learning to just let go of things that aren’t in my control. I’m less judgemental towards others. I am not bothered by negative people or situations. I am learning how to be patient. I really am learning how to love myself more and really adore the ones who truly love me in return. I can honestly say I feel “Confidently beautiful with a heart” as Pia Wurtzback Miss Philippines aka Miss Universe would say. I’m looking forward to what and how the next few weeks will make me feel. Share the love and you share the vibe.
As I close off the final days in February, my heart centred love meditations come to an end. Tonight the meditation I practiced was very powerful emotionally. My meditation focus was about the world. How when we live in love, that love will ultimately ripple out towards the universe for everyone and everything to share. Deepak’s meditation app Living in Love guided me on a journey to loving myself and the world around me. The music couldn’t be any more perfect. It was called An Inviting Heart which helped to encourage an open heart. I repeated the heart chakra mantra silently to myself. I was able to fully immerse myself in the meditation. I began to think about my family, my friends, my life and everything that I have accomplished. I could feel a smile curl up on my lips and warmth in my heart.
I tried to not control my thoughts and just let them go where they wanted. I continued to repeat the heart chakra mantra silently in my head. I began to think about how lucky I am to be doing what I love and helping others feel better and be better human beings. I thought about the places I’ve travelled to and the people I have met along the way. I thought about this great city, I live in that I am happy to call home. I thought about my talented friends and family who have accomplished so much in their life. It made my heart smile. I thought about all the people who help others in need without expecting anything in return. I thought about this world and how we should take care of it. We are one with this world so we should treat it right.
I thought about how forgiveness is important not just towards others but for ourselves. I began to forgive all the people who have hurt me or mistreated me. Then I forgave myself for not loving myself. I could feel my heart vibrate and my hands begin to tingle. So I said I am sorry to all those that I have hurt or mistreated and to ask for their forgiveness. I could feel the tears filling up in my eyes. They weren’t tears of sadness but tears of joy. I said Thank You for all the lessons I have learned and all the experiences I have lived. Only once before have I been so touched with a meditation that I fully released and cried. So I wanted to just let it happen. My intention was to fill my heart with love and to share it to the world and universe.
The message I got out of this meditation was to see the good in all situations and difficult people. It’s important to forgive the past especially including those who were hurtful, abusive or destructive because it helps to open the heart. It’s important to love oneself and be proud of your accomplishments whether big or small. It’s important to do what you love and being around the people who bring you joy. I may be only one person but I hope to send my love out to everyone and everything in this universe.
I’d say I’m pretty fortunate to have been blessed with the oppurtunity to travel and see the world. My parents instilled travelling at a very young age. I was only 10 months old when I experienced my very first vacation. Ever since then there has been no turning back. Maybe I’m still on a vacation high from my most recent trip to Puerto Rico. But the need to see the world sits dearest to me and in my heart. I haven’t been everywhere but I hope to one day visit all the Continents. I work hard so I can live. I live to see the world. I always say “The World is my Oyster” and I truly believe I will one day, discover all that it has to offer and more.
I am grateful that I have like minded friends who also love to travel. Nothing is more satisfying than travelling the world with your best friends. I also feel pretty honoured that I can still travel with my family. It brings a sense of nostalgia being able to travel with my parents. If it weren’t for them introducing travelling at a very young age I wouldn’t be where I am now. I am eternally grateful. It brings me joy and warmth in my heart and soul. I think it’s important for family bonding and growth. I hope to one day to teach the love of travelling with my own family. It is something that I feel is very important in life.
I’ve seen many sunsets and few sunrises. I’ve climbed up many mountains and swam in several oceans. I’ve walked on so many beautiful beaches that I can’t even keep track anymore. I’ve walked on cobble stones or long dirt roads. I’ve sat in awe as I admired the moon reflect on the water. I looked up at the stars and tried to figure out constellations. I’ve slept in hammocks and slept on the floors. I’ve driven on the wrong side of the road. I’ve been scared of other drivers in other countries, who’d pack as many people as they can on a bus or even on a motorcycle. I’ve danced in the rain and ran during torrential downpours. I’ve eaten food that I didn’t know what I was eating. I’ve spoken languages that weren’t my first language. Every place has a story that has left an imprint on my heart. Each one magical in its own sense.
With all the hustle and bustle of everyday life. It is a good thing to break away and recharge. It is not only good for oneself mentally but spiritually. To break away from the everyday norm and daily stress, it’s important to travel. It’s good for your mind, body and soul. I’ve met pretty amazing people all over the world and some I still keep in contact with on a regular basis. It’s nice to have friends in different parts of the world. Knowing that there’s a little piece of “Fiona” that has connected with someone out there. It’s pretty cool if you think about it. Maybe they are sharing their stories about me to their friends and family. Just like I do when I share all my adventures to the people I know. The best adventures with old friends and new friends make for memories that last a life time. Whenever I think about all the places I’ve been and the people who travelled with me, I can’t help but smile. I’m lucky to have those people in my life. If friendship can survive after travelling together then that friend is forever in life.
I always day dream that one day on my travels in this big world I will meet someone, fall in love and never come home. But at the end of the day or I guess at the end of my travels it’s good to come home. Even though home is really where the heart is. My heart is all over the world. It’s in all the places I’ve been and all the places yet to be discovered. So who knows maybe one day you and I will meet on the street and I will tell you “I’ve been everywhere” but for now I’m not finished yet. So if there’s anything I can tell you that you can take as advice, see the world, meet new friends and have lots of adventures. I want to look back when I’m old and laugh about all the fun I’ve had and all the beautiful places I’ve travelled. It may take me forever but I will eventually see the whole world one place at a time. I’m looking forward to wherever in the world I will end up next.
Sometimes in life when you feel like there is way too much negativity you have to step back. You realise that the only person you should really worry about is yourself. You have to remove oneself from a situation in order to make yourself grow as a person. About three years ago I had a falling out with a friend. Not just a friend a best friend. The reasons to this day are not important except it was stupid and unnecessary. We just stopped talking and it gutted me. It really hurt my soul. I was sad and heart broken but I held my head high and acted like I didn’t care. Even though that couldn’t be more farther from the truth. I needed to do something that would make me feel normal again. I needed to get away from it all. I wanted to ultimately be happy again. I wanted my heart to be full of love and joy, not pain and anguish. So I thought about going on a yoga and meditation retreat. I have always wanted to do a retreat, as it was high up on my bucket list. Why not now? This was probably the most perfect time for me to heal from the inside and out. I was new to meditation, I probably had only been practising for about one year at that time. My practice of yoga was mediocre but I knew I could manage. So I got on the computer and did some research. Where would I go? When would I go? How much was it going to cost me? How long would I go for? Is this really going to help me? I had so many questions and I didn’t know where to start.
It’s really funny how the Universe works. My roomate of the time Ashley was on Facebook and had literally just saw a posting about a yoga and meditation retreat in Mexico. She told me about the woman who was leading, it was someone she knew very well and her family in Winnipeg. So she sent me the link. So my mom and I spoke with Niki over Skype. My mom wanted to make sure I would be safe and had lots of questions. Within minutes of speaking with Niki I knew she was an incredible human being. I had to make this trip happen! I would be turning 35 in March 2014 and wanted to do something outrageous and memorable. The time was now! So I booked it for February 2014 an early birthday present to myself. I was on Cloud 9 and was so excited I couldn’t wait for the next two months to fly past. The very next day as I was driving to work. I was stopped at the light, just smiling from ear to ear thinking about my upcoming retreat. Two cars were in front of me stopped at a red light. Right in front of me swoops down an eagle flies right in front of my car and looks right at me. I stared back and was thinking “Wow that’s so crazy!” that eagle totally just stared me down. The eagle flew across the street and looked back at me again for a second time. Now I was starting to get excited. Why was this eagle staring me down? Finally once the magnificent bird was fully across the road he looked back at me for a third time. Me thinking “Holy crap!” So I got to work and had to google the symbolism of eagles. I always listen to messages from the universe especially from nature. The first thing I read about the symbolism of eagles was “the symbol of freedom with powerful symbolic meaning of timing, victory and spiritual quest…helping you to discover your personal power and route to the destiny of you choosing.” My jaw dropped. If that wasn’t a perfect description of what I was feeling, I don’t know what was. I sent Niki a message and told her about the eagle. When Niki wrote back I couldn’t believe what I was reading. She wrote back “Wow Fiona you are on the right track. This will be a wonderful journey for yourself. My spirit name is Strong Heart Eagle Woman!” Like seriously “WHAT THE EFF” is this really happening to me? Is this all a wonderful dream that I cannot wake up from?
Fast forward to the retreat in Mexico. From the very moment I got off the plane to and the whole experience of the retreat I was fully satisfied. It exceeded my expectations and some. I would definitely recommend others to attend Niki’s retreat. It was beyond life changing and heart opening. The facilities are a real life paradise with all these mineral waters and crystal healing pools. The sunsets on top of the temples were so magnificent and breathtakingly incredible. I always go back in my mind as my happy place. My highlight of the retreat was on the very last day. It is a memory I will hold close to my heart forever. I went into the class kind of upset and sad knowing it was the last day. I didn’t want to go home. I got into the studio and felt very heavy and frustrated. Niki instructed us through an amazing yoga routine. She told us to surrender to whatever we were feeling and to “let go”. I remember looking out into the horizon and looking at the beautiful landscape thinking “Wow I can’t believe I’m here”, then I would get sad because I knew this was our last day. My mind started to drift and I was thinking about my best friend…the one I had a falling out with. I started to get really sad and my heart started to hurt. Niki must have sensed it because she said “Whatever you are feeling let it go”. I tried to fight it but the energy of the room the and power of Niki’s instructions made want to me listen. The next thing I knew I was doing yoga poses I wouldn’t normally do. I could never get into full camel laying flat onto the floor. Niki came over to me and tapped me on my sternum. When she tapped my sternum I went all the way down to the floor. Whoa…what is happening! I started to feel buzzing all over my body. It felt like an explosion was happening in heart. It was probably the most incredible yoga class I have ever experienced. I remember laying in Shavasana and my entire body was vibrating. I was breathing so hard, my eyes were rolling back in my head and it felt like there was tingling sensations running down extremities. I felt like I was high or I was about to have an orgasm. Niki had to massage my face because I was uncontrollably shaking. What the hell was happening to me? Was I going to die? I don’t know what was happening to me but I liked it. Finally when we were in prayer pose and said “Namaste” I saw my best friend’s face in my head. I started to ball. It wasn’t tears of sadness but it was tears of happiness. It was like my heart was exploding and saying “Everything will be okay. You will be okay.” The feeling I felt after that experience changed my life. I’ve learned how important it is to “let go” and to “forgive and forget”.
When I got back to Toronto I was a changed person. But how could I make other people feel this way. I wanted everyone else to feel as good as I was feeling. How could I give thanks to the Universe? The best way I could think of was by becoming the Universe. Immediately I thought of who I would want to paint me and who I’d feel comfortable enough to photograph me pretty much naked. My vision was to be a walking Universal cosmic body of space. Who better to paint me than the wonderful Natasha. There’s something so therapeutic by getting your entire body painted. The feel of the brush stroking against my skin and the coolness of the paint was sensual and relaxing at the same time. It took about 3 hours to get my entire body painted. Natasha brought my vision to life but now it was time to capture my vision. I chose Ashlea my friend and previous roller derby teammate to do the photographs. I have worked with her numerous times and I really love her work. I love how passionate and dedicated she is to her work. She must have taken over 300 photos with 4 different backgrounds and settings in a 3 hour time setting. I have chosen only 4 of my favourites for you to enjoy here. By the end of the day I was exhausted. A day in the life of a model was definitely not for me. I am so grateful to know such talented women who helped me execute my Universe vision.
As time had passed and the years went by. I still had not talked to my best friend. Even though I was in a better space of heart and mind. Something was missing. I thought to myself that if I should die tomorrow and I didn’t try to salvage my relationship with my best friend I would not be happy. I decided to reach out and send her Christmas card. I didn’t expect anything to come out of it but it was something I had to do. Sometimes all you need is a break from someone. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them any less, it just means you need time to work on yourself. I had been working on myself and I was ready to be friends again. It wasn’t until a few months after I heard from her. It was on my birthday. So March 2016 of this year. Over the past few months we have reconnected and rebuilt our friendship. I wouldn’t say we are best friends again but I would definitively say we have strengthened our bond as friends. I missed her and I am happy to have her back in my life.
Now this brings me up to present date…I was painted in 2014 and never thought to get the Universe photos printed until recently. I never had any reason to get my Universe photo printed on canvas. I knew it looked good on photos. Some friends have seen the photos. But my whole purpose of getting painted like the Universe was so I could give thanks to the Universe and for everyone to see it. So here I am…The Universe for all of you to see. I want to Thank everyone who helped making my vision come to life. Without you this would have never happened. Thank You to Niki for opening my heart and helping me let go of what no longer served me. Thank You to Natasha and Ashlea for being amazingly talented women who are incredible at what they do. Thank You to John for bringing my vision to life. Now I can always look at this canvas and be reminded to always to be grateful. Thanks Universe 🙂
Cheers to all these fabulous people please check out their very own work and websites 🙂
At the beginning of every year, I always set goals to achieve for the upcoming year. Whether they are personal, fitness goals or crossing off ideas on my Bucket List. My Bucket List is more like a Bucket Book. I have so many outrageous ideas that I want to accomplish in my life. I am always adding new ideas when I cross off ones that I have completed. My ideal year would consist of at least 3 vacations per year and one of those vacations would be off of my Bucket List. Sometimes that doesn’t always happen and sometimes I exceed that goal. My type of work is very physically demanding and I think it is very important to not only work hard, but to play hard aka take as many vacations as I can afford.
One of my favourite quotes is from Dr. Seuss, Oh The Places You’ll Go! ” You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…”
It’s funny how a children’s book can still keep me motivated to travel and to do things I wouldn’t normally do. This quote alone reminds me to step out of my “Comfort Zone.” I’ve done a lot of different, cool and sometimes unusual things in my life. I basically want to be remembered as someone who really lived their life to it’s fullest potential. When friends or family who know me or people who have met me, I want to leave a lasting impression that they will tell stories about me even when I’m not around. Ever since I was a child I would talk about things I wanted to try that nobody else would. Being an adult now…well I may be an adult by age but I’m really a kid at heart. I have lived a really great existence. I have travelled to many places and participated in numerous activities. Maybe it’s the only child in me, but to me the most important thing is to “Be Different.” Whether it was learning how to ride a unicycle, teaching myself how to make balloon animals, being a break dancing mascot, taking Highland dancing lessons, playing Roller Derby, participating in a bikini fitness shows, going Sky Diving, learning how to box etc. If it was outrageous and totally out there it was for me. I’ve never wanted to blend in with the crowd. I wanted to be able to stand up on my own two feet and experienced life the way I wanted. Without doubt, judgements or fear! I don’t care what others think of me. People tell me “I’m crazy” all the time. It doesn’t offend me. I’d rather be crazy than be boring. I’m too extraordinary to live an ordinary life. The people who really know me, understand me and just get me.
Fast forward to now. Reading that word and just saying that word out loud “NOW” is a constant reminder to live in the present. Yes I have accomplished a lot of adventures in my past which has helped the growth of my future. But one can never forget to Live in the Now! I absolutely love life. I love everyone who has taught me, encouraged me, guided me, empowered me, taken care of me and anyone who has been a straight up inspiration in life. Sometimes I don’t make the best decisions, probably because I am always making decisions from the heart. It’s not always the best choice. My heart will always trump my brain and my guts. Being that said sometimes I should listen to my brain or to others when I make decisions. I’ll blame being an only child but usually when someone tells me I cannot do something or it isn’t a good idea…it makes me want to do it even more. So I can turn around and say “Oh yah watch me!”
As I’ve mentioned how much I love to travel. I thoroughly enjoy solo travel. Don’t get me wrong I do love to travel with friends and family. But nothing is more satisfying than travelling solo. Being able to bang to beat of my own drum. Doing something that I want to do versus what everyone else wants to do. If you have never travelled solo, I would highly recommend it. Your soul will Thank You. I have travelled a few destinations by myself and the after effects last a lifetime. Maybe I’m still riding on cloud 9 or it could be the jet lag but I’m still feeling the affects of my most recent vacation to Thailand. My goal is to learn how to fight and yes I would like to get in the ring and fight someone someday. I have been asked that a millions times and the answer is always the same. I have been training with boxing for a couple years now. I love it and wouldn’t turn back. My training at Clancy’s Boxing Academy is my ultimate dream training gym. But I’ve always wanted to learn Muay Thai. It’s always been in the back of my mind to learn. I’ve never been given the opportunity to try it. Back in September I was looking for a retreat. I wanted to bring in the New Year on healthy note. I was originally looking at yoga meditation retreats but somehow stumbled onto martial arts retreats. Of course I was curious. What’s that expression “curiosity killed the cat?”well my thinking would be “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!” So my search was on. I went through pages and pages of different types of training. Finally I came across several Muay Thai training camps in Thailand. I kept going back to those pages. My heart, brain and gut were actually agreeing for once. I was having a WTF! moment. I sat back and thought for a minute“Do I really want to do this?” and then sat up straight in my chair and said “Fuck ya I do!” So I sent two gyms emails about the training at their location. All I had to do was sit back and see who would reply first. Both locations included accommodation, meal plan and of course Muay Thai training. If I was going to do this I had to go for at least 2 weeks. Travelling that far you need at least 2 weeks to settle in with the jet lag and getting used to the extreme heat conditions. Coming from Canada I was just happy to be getting away from the extreme cold ass weather that hurts my face. The one gym replied to my email right away. It was actually pretty scary how fast they replied, like it was truly meant to be. The other gym replied within a couple days. So that already put me off of choosing their location. I asked millions of questions because I have never done anything like this before. I wanted to #1 make sure it was safe, #2 I would get the proper training #3 I wouldn’t get hurt too badly. I went back and fourth and sat on the decision for at least a week. I kept having internal fights with my brain and guts. My heart kept saying “Girl you got this! Don’t worry. If there’s anything that can be done…you can do it!” My brain and my guts were trying to defeat me by filling me with doubt and fear. I really thought through the pros and cons and once the wheels of motion were turning I shut all the cons up by just booking the trip. “How will I know if I don’t try? Why not now?”
Well I ‘m happy to say I survived 2 weeks of Muay Thai training at Por Silaphai Gym in Chiang Mai Thailand. The training consisting of 2 two hour training sessions in an outdoor training gym. It was everything I could ask for and more. Including all the bruises to my legs, blisters on my feet, punches to my face and kicks in my ass. I literally got my ass kicked and got up and kept taking more. I loved meeting all walks of people from all over the world. The staff were incredible and made learning fun. I think my favourite part about travelling is all the new people I get to meet and learning about how they live their lives. I would most definitely do something like this again. I would recommend anyone else who has ever wanted to learn something new or do something different to just do it! I did what I wanted to do even though it scared the shit out of me. I started 2017 off on a healthy note and it’s no stopping from here on out. I plan to continue Muay Thai training now that I’m back in Canada alongside my boxing training. I’m going to be a lethal weapon from now on. Thank You to everyone who has ever supported me and my crazy decisions. Thank You to all those who also didn’t support me haha your negativity pushed me to do what you said I couldn’t do. Thanks to the Universe for always making my dreams come true. Ps always listen to your heart…fuck ya!
Do you ever have those mornings where you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and think “DAMN…I look good”? It’s those moments where you can really admire your “au naturel” with no make up and beautiful naked body. It’s when you can look at yourself and truly admire your every curve, all the scars, every muscle and every roll. It’s the inner Beyonce moments when you can say “I woke up like this” and feel really beautiful within your own skin. Society has made it hard for women to be accepting of their bodies and to love themselves for what God has given them. Hollywood will tell you what is “the perfect body” and how a woman should look. When someone is always telling you how you should look and what makes you beautiful, it tends to make women insecure and judgemental. The biggest critic you will ever have is always yourself. There will always be someone who will make you feel like you’re not pretty enough, not smart enough, not rich enough or whatever makes you feel insecure. This is not true. Every woman is enough. Whatever the case. Nothing is more sexy than a confident woman. Someone who not only believes that she is enough but owns it. Whatever your shape or size, being a woman is beautiful.
I can admit there are days when I feel ugly, insecure and worthless but I think as human beings it’s normal to feel like that once in a while. Just as long as it’s a passing thought and you don’t stay there. I think it is important to work on oneself from the inside out. Learning to love oneself is the key step to allowing others to love you. If you cannot love yourself, how can you expect others to love you. Building a strong body and mind will develop a positive outlook on life. Once you start to look good on the outside you ultimately will feel good on the inside. Not saying you have to exercise until you are blue in the face. If you can’t look at yourself in the mirror and truly love yourself, all the hard work is for nothing and wasted. I think being confident means having to work hard for it. I would never just sit around hoping for someone else to make me feel pretty, strong or that I’m enough. If I want to feel confident and truly be confident, I need to work at it. Whether if I’m working out, doing meditations, eating right, being social or any practice that promotes self love. I am working for it. I wake up grateful every morning and am constantly reminding myself I am confident and beautiful. The mind will always try to negative self talk or be judgemental. It’s just knowing when to listen and when to ignore the self talk banter.
I am always learning ways to better myself by taking courses, reading, watching material that will guide me to understanding myself and being a woman. I am surrounded by a lot of like minded women who have positive outlooks on life. I really love when girlfriends will send me something and say “I found this and thought you would enjoy it.” I was introduced to the Mastering your Magnetism series by a really great friend. It’s an online course for women on how to embody the feminine brilliance. Nowadays there’s lots of women who are strong, confident and sexy who seem to have it all figured out. From building a career, to raising a family or having a loving relationship they are putting in the work to make it happen. The problem is that being so driven becomes too much male brain dominated. Women tend to lose their feminine essence when they are too goal oriented. There needs to be a balance. Being able to be driven without escaping the feminine brain. Men are wired to think from the head. Male brain qualities tend to be more action takers, providers, giving, producing, problem solving, single focused tasks and goal oriented. Females are wired to think with the body. Female brain qualities include receiving, emotions, intuition, connection, radiance, life force and creativity. I have completed the Mastering your Magnetism series a few times. I think there is always something I can learn about being more feminine. The program has also taught me about Understanding the Modern Man and learning how to be Confidently Sexy. Just like exercise for the body, you have to work for it. So why wouldn’t being confidently sexy be any different? I have really noticed a difference with my approach with men and how the perceive me. I feel like whenever I enter a room that all eyes are on me. I recently went to my local coffee shop for my favourite morning brew. I sat down at a corner table so I could look out the window. There were all these empty tables in the coffee shop but 3 groups of men all sat down around me. The table behind me sits two men. The table in front of me sits four men. The table to my right has another two men. Of all the tables in the coffee shop why did all the men choose to sit around me? Why? I think I must be giving off some pretty strong sexual feminine pheromones. I may not be the most beautiful person in the world but I think and believe I am. Confidence is sexy and men know when a woman is truly confident in herself. Fake it until you make it.
Being a woman with a very strong personality tends to push men away. I am learning to not compete with men but to be more captivating. I am learning to take on a more softer approach rather than being overly aggressive. I am learning to be more sensual and to honour my beauty. It’s important for women to have a strong group of girlfriends who will support her in life. Behind every successful woman lies a tribe of women who have her back. That is why it is important for women to build each other up without criticising or judgements. A truly confidently sexy woman is a woman who does not put down other women but empowers other women. Confidently sexy starts with loving yourself and radiating goodness onto others. Kindness doesn’t cost a damn thing so sprinkle that shit everywhere! Tell someone they are beautiful today. Hot diggity damn you are a beautiful woman!
One of the things that I love most about my job is the ability to listen. Not only do I feel a sense of gratitude but being able to treat all kinds of people, in all walks of life. My patients come from all races, religions, cultures, ages and not one person in the same. Every person that steps into my treatment room has a story and everyone of them is unique in their own way. It really fascinates me how people go about and live their lives. Most of the time patients like to talk about their life stories. Some patients choose to relax and sleep. But for the ones who like to talk I really do enjoy listening. It’s interesting to see how a massage can really help people, to let go and release whatever is bothering them or whatever they are proud of at that moment in their life. It’s the one time I am not distracted by the apps on my phone or any other outside technology sources. I take pride in being able to listen…to really listen. For these patients it’s one hour of their time that the focus is solely on them. Sometimes being able to talk to a stranger gives you the best comfort in return. Mind you I have many “regulars” that I have built up over years of practising massage therapy. So there is a level of comfort and familiarity. Once someone trusts you they are more open to letting go and releasing whatever and everything that is on their mind. I work very passionately from not only my hands but from my heart. I believe wholeheartedly that therapeutic touch is a powerful tool for the human body. We as humans in this day and age carry all sorts of stress. Someone who is stressed out will hold onto that stress in various parts in the body. It’s my job not only as a Massage Therapist but as a healer to make the human body function as a whole. Granted my massages are very beneficial for relieving any stress from the body. Whether it be due to work, family or overall life stress. I think patients who are able to let go with the expression of their voice leads to mind body connection. Once their body is in a state of relaxation the mind also wants to be at peace. Peace of mind, body and soul.
I try to make it a habit in my everyday life to listen. Even when I’m not working as a Registered Massage Therapist. I listen to my friends and to my family whenever they are speaking. I am learning to let friends or family finish their thought before jumping in or interrupting when they are speaking. I give any advice from a place in my heart that is good and pure. I try to not be judgemental and just let people do whatever they think is right or wrong…for that matter. Unless something is truly wrong and is hurting them I will speak up. Sometimes I will say harsh words but some people need the truth, even if that truth hurts them. All in all…I am listening. I am hearing their tone of their voice. I am listening to any pain or hurt in their voice. I watch their body language and facial expressions. When someone is talking to me I am engaged in them 100%. My focus is not on my phone and who’s liking my posts on Instagram or who’s commenting on my Facebook…my focus is on that person in front of me. Even when I am spending time with friends my phone is usually on silent with no vibrate. Why? because whoever is trying to reach me is not as important as the person who sits right in front of me. Don’t get me wrong but yes I do check my phone once in a while to see if there’s actually anything important. Most of the time it can wait. I cherish face to face moments and heart to heart conversations. I like being able to dive deep into people’s brains without having to always post something on Snap Chat. I’m not hating on social media because I have all the apps and I do use them all. But in moderation and when the time is right. The thing that is more important to me is making the memories that can be captured without a phone.
It’s those moments where laughter is so contagious that it brings tears of happiness to your eyes. Or maybe it’s those tears of sadness that turn into bouts of laughter. I crave for moments where you can talk to someone for hours and feel like you could talk to for days. I love the moments where I can share the dance floor and not say a word, but it feels like we have talked all night. It’s the moments where you don’t have to even need to say anything but just having someone near makes all your troubles melt away. Being able to connect to another human being just by being present…is the greatest gift you can give someone. Being able to share your love by actually being here and not there. ” When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh. Nothing is more satisfying than being able to really get to know someone. Not just what is posted on their social media but by face to face interactions. Who really cares when all these strangers are giving you the likes, thumbs up or even hit the love button? The only thing that matters to me is how many times my heart explodes with special real life moments. I care more about making the time and effort to building my connections with the ones I love. So you can guarantee that when I make time for you..it’s because you are someone important in my life.
We are only on this Earth for a short time. So in that time I plan to build the foundation of beautiful friendships and relationships with people who I admire or inspire me. I will continue to use social media but I’ll be making connections beyond what I post online. Actions speak louder than words so when I hug you just remember that is more meaningful than the like or love I gave you on social media. I am going to soak up every ounce of delicious goodness of you whenever you are around. Being present is a gift. So not only will I focus on being here but being present in the ones around me. I am here now and I hear you. Thank You for being in my life.
For as long as I can remember as a child, up until present day in my adulthood, there’s always been someone out there who has referred to me as being “too sensitive”. I hated being labelled “too sensitive” it has left me with an negative affect. To me being called too sensitive can only be perceived as being weak, vulnerable and behaving too feminine. In society resembling any of those attributes meant you were unworthy and not to be taken seriously. It took many years of dating numerous men to realize being sensitive was really not a bad thing. Some men broke my heart and some men I was more than happy to get rid of and then I hit the road running. Sometimes running really fast without ever looking back lol. All in all the heart ache was the same and it didn’t get any easier.
I am lucky to say I have experienced many great loves in my life. The 3 most significant were the relationships were in different phases of my life. The first love was a young, juvenile love. It was my high school love. We dated for almost 2 years. It was a fantasy relationship thinking that we together, would be unstoppable and would be together forever. I quickly realized I was SO wrong. When it was time for me to be going away to University, I knew we had no future together. My second love was more of a mature love. We were best of friends and the relationship was relatively easy. We got along for the most of the part. This relationship lasted 6 years. It was more about discovering and learning what I wanted in life and a life partner. Unfortunately that relationship ended because he cheated on me. The third love was more into my adulthood. I had finished my Massage Therapy schooling and was about to write my professional licensing board exam. This relationship was definitely more about growth and what I needed from myself in the long run. This relationship was the most toxic. It lasted for 4 years and it was the hardest thing to bounce back from. The break up was probably one of the most lowest points in my life. After all those relationships I became more sensitive. I didn’t want to feel like that ever again. I figured if I could make others happy then I could make myself happy. I was sensitive to what others would say or do. I was sensitive to the needs of others. I was super sensitive to other’s feelings and more aware of my own feelings. I was sensitive to people and events happening around me. I was too sensitive.
After that last relationship I was shattered. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to go out for months. All I wanted to do was stay home and cry. I honestly believed I wouldn’t date anyone after him. Haha good thing I was SO wrong about that scenario. It wasn’t until my good guy friends forced me to go out and to just have fun. I still remember the conversation I had with one of my best guy friends like it was yesterday. My buddy was sick and tired of me being a “Debbie Downer” and said it was time to get the old Fiona back. The girl who laughed at everything and didn’t care what other people thought about her. It’s probably the best advice anyone has ever given me and I remember his words always. My buddy turned to me and said “Fiona if you want to be happy. Just be happy”. I took a step back and just absorbed what I was being told. All I could think about was how could it be that easy? So simple. But it was. Change your attitude, change your outcome.
Over the years I have read so many self help books, worked with several spiritual teachers, life coaches and all sorts of healers. I’ve taken up to practice meditation more often. I’ve learned that being sensitive wasn’t necessarily bad. I learned what I no longer tolerated and what I most desired in life. The reasons I was sensitive because of situations in my life that have triggered memories from my past. Some things that ended badly or unresolved. I’m learning to not care so much and not be offended with how people treat me. If I treat myself with the utmost respect then the only happiness that matters is my own.
I still dislike when people call me too sensitive but at least now I can understand where it’s coming from and why people think that about me. I try not to take it too seriously when I am called “too sensitive” now. What I do know for sure is that I am not; I am not weak, I am not vulnerable. I am a woman and I’m not afraid or ashamed to show a little more of my softer feminine side. I am worthy and I will be taken seriously. I may have had my heart broken a handful of times but I always manage to pick up the pieces and find a brand new love. I have so much love to give but first things first…me first.
Rome wasn’t built in a day. Neither was there ever a perfect human being created in one day. Perfection takes time through many mistakes and lessons learned in life. I wouldn’t say I am anything near perfect. But I’m always looking at ways to be a better human being or a better version of myself. For me there’s always room for self-development improvement. Being that said I decided to go on a social media hiatus. It usually takes 21 days for a new behaviour to stick. So what better way than to give it up for a full 30 days! I didn’t want to start at the beginning the month. I wanted to start right in the very middle. Since half of the month was already over I’d be more likely to quit. I wanted to make it as hard for me as possible. I wanted to see if I could actually do it.
Social media was turning into a really bad habit. I would wake up in the morning and the very first thing I would do was check my Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat. Then shortly after I would check my emails. This had become my morning routine. Ugh…so disgusting and it wasn’t anything to be proud of or happy to brag about. It was like checking my social media was reading the daily news. It became my obsession. I would check it at work before treating my patients and after each and every patient. I treat on average 7-9 patients a day. So you can imagine how often I was checking my social media. That doesn’t even include after work or on my days off. It was seriously becoming a bad addiction. I was so unproductive and very antisocial. I needed a break. Gimme a break off that social media bar!
To be honest I didn’t think giving up social media would be very hard at all. I like giving myself challenges and have done so in the past. Whether I’m giving up something negative or trying a new healthy behaviour, the impact of the process is always positive and rather refreshing. I have done 30 days and I have done 40 days…especially for Lent every year before Easter. Some of the positive behaviours that started as a challenge, have now become a part of my daily routine. Some examples would be saying a positive mantra daily, journaling about my day and doing one thing nice every day for someone else. I also completed 30 days of yoga, 30 minutes of any exercise for 30 days, 30 days of meditation and 30 days of telling 30 of my friends why I appreciate them. Obviously not all at the same time but throughout the years of my life. Some of the really hard things I gave up were chocolate, ice cream, pizza, swearing, negative self talk and SEX! So if I can handle giving up sex & chocolate…my two biggest weaknesses! I could surely handle giving up social media.
I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t easy giving up social media. I didn’t realize how often I was checking my social media daily. It was more out of habit or because I had nothing to do. I loved seeing the notifications and seeing all the likes or comments. The first couple days were so hard. Social media was like crack to me. Why did I need to constantly be checking in for everything? So I had to create a secret folder and hide Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat. I had to take all the noti”Fiona”cations OFF! I wrote a Facebook post about my social media hiatus. I didn’t even read all the replies and comments. I wanted to wait until I was done to read them. So I waited until I completed all 30 days. Of course there were a lot of doubters and nay-sayers who said I wouldn’t last a day. Well guess what? Haha…F you! I not only lasted 1 day! I lasted 30 days! I love when people tell me I cannot do something because I always will turn around and say “Oh yah watch me!”
The irony about giving up social media made me more social…lol. I was going out more for dinners with friends and dancing with the girls. Also I was spending more time with friends and catching up with good old conversations. I was making time for my family and by actually being present. I even took time to take care of myself and had a spa date with one of my best girlfriends. It felt great to really take care of me and just pamper myself. Even though it was probably the most expensive facial and body mud wrap I’ve ever had done. It was also at the most luxurious spa I’ve ever experienced. But It was definitely a great bonding day with one my best girlfriends. I wanted to not only look good on the outside but I wanted to feel good on the inside. So I needed to replace my need for the constant checking of my phone with a healthier habit. I started doing more of my Spanish lessons on Rosetta Stone app and my Luminosity app. Yes I was still reaching for my phone but I replaced social media with brain training and sharpening my skills. In the 30 days I managed to finish two 200 page books, crushed the 7 seasons of Game of Thrones in 10 days…lol. I was interacting with my coworkers more versus burying my face in my phone. But I also was talking to more people on the phone versus texting. For the friends who knew I was on a break would still send me photos and videos of their life. So I didn’t feel like I was missing out on too much. But a lot can happen in 30 days…never mind a lot can happen in 24 hours!
Don’t get me wrong there were many times I really wanted to just scroll on Instagram and watch all the Insta-stories. I so badly wanted to give myself a flawless cat faced filter and talk in a high squeaky voice on Snapchat. But I didn’t. I wanted to ultimately be “right here right now” in the present moment. I instantly felt less anxiety and stress from not having to reply to every message or post that was sent to me. I actually enjoyed putting my phone away and enjoying my time with the person sitting in front of me. I didn’t miss “checking in” to all the different locations, taking selfies or posting pics of my food. Some of my best moments in life have never made it to social media. All my favourite things heart to heart conversations, big bear hugs, sweet kisses, deliciously beautiful meals, beast mode workouts at the gym and Netflix and chill nights etc. I was flying through the 30 days and it seemed to get easier. Up until I got sick. It was week 3 and I was put on some aggressive antibiotics. I had to miss work, training sessions with my personal trainer, and appointments with spiritual teacher. I was not happy and felt like absolute shit. Normally whenever I’ve been sick it’s easy to just stay on social media for hours and hours. Scrolling, wasting time and making myself feel better by creeping everyone else’s pages and liking everything. But again I didn’t.
My friend knew I wasn’t feeling well and offered to come hang out with me and help cheer me up. How could I say no? It was exactly what I needed, quality time with my friend which sounded like a pretty perfect night to me. I thought it would be wonderful bonding night and possibly a recipe cure for my well-being. What started off to be a lovely evening turned out to be so annoying. We watched some sports on tv and decided to watch a movie. However my friend had his phone is his hand from the get go. As soon as he walked in the front door he was checking his phone. I was feeling really disappointed because I thought he came over to cheer me up. During the movie my friend offered to massage my shoulders, I said yes of course! How could I say no to that idea? But as I was getting my massage I could feel only one hand on me and hear the other hand was clicking on his phone. For fucks sake…the movie should have been entertainment enough and the phone should have been put away! The constant responding to messages or scrolling on social media reminded me why I started my hiatus in the first place. I wanted to be reminded to enjoy the company I was with and time well spent together. I wanted to be fully present. Even though it was my friend’s idea to come over and cheer me up and it was a very thoughtful idea…he was never fully present. I don’t think he heard a single word I said all night. Let alone even remembered what I talked about. I wanted meaningful conversations where he looked me in the eyes and not on his phone. So not only was I sick, now I was sad. I’d say it’s true, social media can drive a wedge between friends and cause a riff in any relationship. I needed companionship and friendship in my time of sickness and my friend didn’t show me any value of my presence.
During my 30 day social media hiatus I’ve learned even though I’m making a positive change to better myself not everyone around me will agree or support me. People will put me down in hopes I will fail. The people who really want me to be in their life will always find a way to include me or to stay connected. It doesn’t matter if I’m on social media or absent for 30 days…friends always reach out to the ones they love. I not only feel more confidently happy and but also less stressed out. I no longer feel inclined to constantly be on my phone. If it’s not urgent…it can wait. After successfully completing a healthy behaviour 30 day challenge, it makes me feel empowered and full of positive energy. I have to remember if I’m doing something that makes me happy that doesn’t necessarily translate to everyone else. Just because I’ve made a behaviour change doesn’t mean everyone else around me is doing the same. I cannot be upset or angry with other’s behaviours. Sometimes quality time is just having a friend present without saying anything at all. I’ve learned to not take things so personally. Not everyone understands me or exactly what I need. Taking a social media break did make me happy but at the same time I’m happy to be back! I would highly recommend for everyone to try out any 30 day challenges. The struggle is very real but the results are really awesome. Healthy mind body well-being, equals self love swell-human-being. Like. Love. Double Tap.
Basically that brings me to this blog. Something that has been coming up alot lately is focus. How to stay focused or even focusing on something with intent and discipline. How to keep focus and motivation to make things second nature without too much thinking or being stuck in my head. Focus can translate to all areas of my life. Whether I am focusing in my training, travelling or even work life balance. It all comes down to focus and paying attention to what is really important to me. What am I willing to sacrifice to get where I want to be? How much focus needs to put into taking action so things can happen? There will be distractions trying to prevent me from reaching my goals. It can be other people, social media, finances, energy, emotions, creativity and the biggest culprit is my ego. So many questions come to mind as to why I can do something or why I should not do something. The questions are limitless. There is only one answer as to why I should do something and that is because I can. Anything is possible.
With focus comes mindset. How you perceive yourself or how you think people perceive you can become a driving force. When I am so passionate about obtaining a certain goal I become very driven. I believe in always having a positive mindset. I surround myself with like minded individuals who not only support me but push me towards my dream goals. One of of favourite phrases to say is “Teamwork makes the dreamwork” that doesn’t necessarily mean you need other people to function. It can ultimately mean teamwork within yourself. Ever since I was a child and if anyone ever put me down or made me feel discouraged about doing something…it was the fuel to ignite me to do better and be better. Not just because I wanted to prove them wrong but because I wanted to prove myself right.
For me focus means taking time to learn and educate myself. Paying attention to the advice of others and what feels right to me. It is really hard to stay focused when your mind is thinking a million thoughts at once. It’s easy to slip back into bad habits or staying within your comfort zone. The best way that helps me stay focused is really paying attention to my breath. It’s really amazing what the power of breath can accomplish. The breath can be used during any fight or flight situations. If I am feeling stress or anxiety I slow my breath down and focus on inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth. I visualize the stress or anxiety exiting my body with each breath. On the opposite side of breath and using it for fight…literally for fighting. I am learning that expressing my breath can promote more power and strength in my body. Basically focusing on breath gives me more power to my punch.
Staying focused does not just come from the eyes. It’s a full body connection. From the top of my head right down to my tippy toes. Focus comes from the mind, in the heart and definitely the guts. When the mind and physical body are in sync focus can be a very powerful thing. My focus for this year is to really pay attention to what and how I’m doing everything in life. I plan to not only achieve my desired goals this year but I plan to put more focus into how I go about doing things. My focus is on me and what’s best for me. Not what others think is best for me. In the end it is how badly do I want to achieve my goals. I’ve got my eye on the prize and I don’t plan on losing focus. Crystal clear focus.
*images do not belong to me and taken from the internet
Memoirs of an Emotional Fish 