Memoirs of an Emotional Fish

Throughout my journey in this life, I have discovered that we as humans beings have a lot of scar tissue. Not just the actual scar tissue within our physical bodies, that have protected our body from old injuries. But the scar tissue we built up from other people, and from the relationships that we have experienced in life.

I wholeheartedly believe every person, that comes into my life is there for a reason. Whether the person has shown me love, by unconditionally loving me or has deeply hurt, or challenged me; everyone has a purpose for being there. Everyone I meet is written in my story of life, and I truly believe it. In the end, it is really about how each person deserves love. All relationships remind me to love myself, and to always send love to others. Each character plays an important role throughout my journey, and every person teaches me a lesson. Because history always repeats itself, I can either learn the lesson or keeping making the same mistake until I finally understand what I need to learn.

Rather than living from a place of resentment, anger, sadness or any other heavy negative feelings, it is better to live a life with forgiveness and always return to a place of love. Despite the relationships that push my limits, and test my capacity to what I can emotionally handle; love is the answer.

Not everyone in my life will like me, some relationships will end for no reason at all. People change, and people grow. Sometimes relationships grow together and sometimes they grow apart. When I think of love as a never ending Reservoir of Love, meaning I have an unlimited supply of love to give, not just to myself but to others. Simply saying that, everyone I meet in life will receive unconditional love from me.

As I work through my protective scar tissue, by breaking down every uncomfortable relationship, heal through old wounds, and repair relationships with forgiveness. I can then, release relationships that no longer seem fit, let go of any resistance to grow into who I truly am meant to be. Breaking down scar tissue helps to create healthy connective tissue. Hence, learning to grow from every relationship with forgiveness, and returning to a place of love is a merely finding all the right connections to oneself and others.

I choose to pull from my reservoir of love, because everyone really deserves love.

I am falling in love with life again, by raising my vibration to having main character energy. I understand that where my attention goes my energy flows. I choose to always plant seeds of love, joy, passion, freedom, and wealth, in hopes they will flourish in all areas of my existence.

I am not my thoughts. I am not my emotions. I am not my moods. Whenever, I feel uncomfortable, it is just my soul reminding me that I have veered away from my life’s purpose.

Main character energy is living and expressing life’s purposes without guilt, fear, shame, judgment or stress. To live life with ease, freedom, fulfillment and joy is the main character energy of life.

Happiness comes from within. It is equally important to be spiritually and materially wealthy. When my inner world radiates joy, love and peace, then my outer world is simply a reflection of my joyful journey in life.

I say yes to life by releasing old contracts, oaths, vows, programs, beliefs or fears that have been stored into my subconscious mind from previous past lives. I am not my past, but I can learn my lessons.

I give myself permission to be a person of service, but allow myself to receive love and affection from others. I am not ashamed to stand out and be extraordinary. I am not embarrassed to want more in life. More money. More love. More happiness. More abundance. I am woman who is strong & independent, but I am also soft, delicate and vulnerable. While it seems that I can do everything on my own, doesn’t mean I don’t need help from others with support and love. If I am alive in this human body, I will always have lessons to learn. Being more aware to things that dim my light or tarnish my character, are reminders that something needs to change.

My soul wants to shine bright and sparkle on my journey in life. My heart wants to sing and dance with gratitude for life. I am stepping into my main character energy for this life and releasing everything, and everyone holding me back.

Please excuse me because it’s my time to shine.

Today the unimaginable happened, I cried. Not just a single tear, but tears and tears streaming down my face. I was overcome with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and pain. I have been trying all year to be more vulnerable, and step more into my feminine side. I feel like the emotions have been building for months now. With everything that has happened, it was only a matter of time that I would release my pent up and stuck emotions.

I participated in a sweat lodge in the summer time with the intention to release my tears and let go my emotions. I could not for the life of me shed a single tear. I did however, purge my feelings into the forest. I did feel like a heavy weight had been lifted from the pit of my stomach, but I still did not cry. The lesson I took away from the sweat lodge, was that I have to let go the need to control.

Most recently, a few weeks ago I participated in a burn ceremony. I gathered a bag of journals, love letters, momentos, stories and a collection of personal stuff that I had been holding onto for 30+ years. My intention for the burn ceremony was to read those journal entries and release the words written and emotions attached. I am not going to lie, it was painful reading the words out loud, and revisiting the emotions attached to those written words. As painful as it was to read the words out loud, it was also quite liberating. It gave me a sense of freedom, peace in my heart, and feelings of forgiveness. It was a beautiful ceremony, and I could feel my emotions coming to the surface to be set free. I did not cry. The lesson I took away from the burn ceremony, was that even though I released many parts if me, there was still so many more layers to heal.

I feel like I am walking down the longest, most scenic route path of my life, patiently waiting for something to happen. I just want to feel love, so much love that I have a reason for existing. I want to be held in a way, that I feel safe, secure and supported. I want to forgive those that hurt me, and those that I hurt. My deepest desire is to be a mother, and to give birth to my own child. I want to crack my heart wide open just to feel love and be loved.

Over the past months, I have been collaborating with a like minded soul Goddess. We have been holding a sacred healing space for others with yoga, reiki, breathwork and past life exploration hypnosis. Two days ago, we held space for the last sacred healing container. The reiki energy was thick and palpable. I finished the session with a journey to Akashic Records. Even though I was facilitating the guided hypnosis journey, I think the words were healing me at my own subconscious level.

I stumbled across a Buddhist prayer and really loved the words, I read it over and over out loud. I found the words really beautiful, and they really seem to resonate with everything that I have been going through physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

“May I be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit. May I be free from injury. May I live in safety. May I be free from disturbance, fear, anxiety, and worry. May I learn to look at myself with the eyes of understanding and love. May I be able to recognize and touch the seeds of joy and happiness in myself. May I learn to identify and see the sources of anger, craving, and delusion in myself. May I know how to nourish the seeds of joy in myself every day. May I be able to live fresh, solid, and free. May I be free from attachment and aversion, but not be indifferent.”

And then it happened, I cried.

I woke up with heavy feeling of emotions, and was processing the thoughts passing through my mind. I was struck with clarity, purpose and wanting to bare my soul. It came on all of a sudden, but the opening of the flood gates started streaming down my face. I released, I let go and it was exactly what I needed. The biggest lesson I discovered was, I have to listen to my heart. If anything in life is not serving my soul, I need to let it go. In order for me to fully feel love, I need to feel safe. Safe to be free, just as me.

Whatever is happening on the outside, is a deep reflection of everything that is happening within the inside. Once you can identify repeating negative life patterns, bad habits or behaviours then you can rewrite your story and change the narrative.

Recognizing that you are not your parents, grandparents or ancestors. You alone can change and stop any generational cycles. Learning to identify any destructive behaviours or patterns, and ensuring the generation cycle stops with you.

Every family transfers something that can be passed down from generation to generation. From blessings to curses, strengths to weaknesses, unconditional love to lack of love, structure to chaos, functional to dysfunctional family etc.

Genetically health conditions can also be transferred; such as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity, alcoholism, drug addiction and mental health can all be passed down through generations.

When you discover the patterns with a lens of discernment, you can ultimately change the narrative and rewrite a brand new story. To live a life with blessings, unconditional love, support, respect, structure, and empathy, you must be willing to do the inner work healing of your ancestors.

Be accountable and do your own inner work, through prayer, meditation, breathwork, reiki, or any other alternative healing therapy and possibly professional counselling. Be self aware to do the work, then you can be truly free from all bad karma, habits, behaviours and negative life patterns. History repeats itself, unless you break the cycle, do the inner work, and initiate the change to make it stop.

Life stops and starts with you.

As I breathe deeply and feel into the rhythm of my breathing, I am often caught in a misty, magical daydream. Where physically, my body is here and in the present, but my mind has drifted off far and away to another time & space. While the images and situations seem so real. I cannot help but to wonder, if what I’m envisioning is really real, or it is just my imagination. Everytime I open my eyes, whether I’m waking up in the morning from a deep sleep, or I have returned back into my physical body after mediation or breathwork, I question myself if whether or not, what I witnessed was actually true.

I am fascinated with the subconscious mind and how it all works. The more I sit in silence, the more I hear, and the more I understand. I have found with the practice of conscious breathing it can heighten my meditative experience. I am someone, who is always curious. If I can learn more about myself, then I can grow to understand why I am, the way I am. But, the more I try to know; the less I really know. It becomes a double-edged sword. The more I discover and unravel, I reveal not only positive aspects, but also all the negative aspects about myself.

Not everyone wants to admit their faults, misfortunes, mistakes or let alone face their own darkness. All of the parts of me, that I thought I pushed deep down, healed or forgotten about, all of a sudden bubble their way back to the surface. It takes a lot of courage to face your own demons head on, and face to face. Learning to accept myself exactly as I am, and in this current physical body is definitely not for the faint of heart.

Maybe I have a sadistic nature in me, where pain is pleasure to me. In a sense, that pain, suffering and humiliation bring me a morbid sense of fulfillment. I like to get down to the nitty gritty, get down & dirty to understanding who I am, where I came from, and what my purpose is on this planet. If it makes me uncomfortable, challenges me, or pushes me to take risks then, Sign me up!

I have found that, the best way I can serve others and myself is through alternative healing practices. I personally, am so drawn to energetic healing practices such as breathwork, reiki and hypnosis, particularly in past life exploration. I am a firm believer, that everyone should be doing some sort of breathwork practice in their everyday lives. I always tell people breathwork is like “meditation on steroids.” Not only, does breathwork heal the physical body, but also the emotional and spiritual body.

For me reiki is the highest, purest, truest form of healing anyone could ever experience. Not only do I love to give reiki healing, but I love to receive reiki. The only way I can explain reiki is, for those who have never experienced it is like an energetic massage for your nervous system. You feel lighter, calmer, more peaceful, and very present in your physical body. All those insignificant problems don’t really matter. What matters most, is the bigger picture, simply existing and being grateful for all experiences of life on earth.

Then there is hypnosis. Don’t be a fool to think that hypnosis is not real. Hypnosis speaks to the subconscious mind, and to all deep hidden parts of the mind. It is no joke, and incredibly healing on another level. What I love about hypnosis, is that you are fully aware of what is happening around you, even though your body feels like it is in a deep sleep.

Lately, I have been exploring past life through hypnosis. It is a healing process, where memories & emotions that are stored deep in the unconscious mind are awakened. What I love about past life, is that when someone is open, willing, fearless, not analytical then they will learn lessons, understand themselves, resolve issues with forgiveness, and accept their lessons as gifts. Past Life not only, expands awareness but helps a person grow and be who they are truly meant to be.

Now, when I slowly close my eyes and drift off to that faraway land of misty, magical stardust, I can allow that other part of me to awaken. When I am open to receive all the memories that are stored within, I can achieve a deeper healing on every level. By practising breathwork, reiki and hypnosis, I have learned to stop blaming, practice humility, see others point of view, have compassion, be more understanding, heal through forgiveness and consequently, I have grown emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I may or may not have lived many lives, but I have learned lessons and I have accepted my gifts. My journey to uncovering and understanding myself may take many lifetimes, but as long as there is always more life, I want more life!

Everyone in some point of their life will mess up or make mistakes. The beauty of life is how you choose to live life afterwards. It takes a lot of courage, determination and passion to live a fulfilled life. People are not put on this planet, into separate categories of having a “good life or bad life.” It is up to the person which makes it a good or bad life.

Life is a reflection of the choices each person has made in their life. Living a life with a positive mindset and good choices will result in a life of abundance, joy and fulfillment. In the simplest terms, if you want to change your life, make different choices and it will reflect a better life.

I have always been a firm believer in Carpe Diem, a literal translation to “Seize the day.” Grab the bull by the horns and to enjoy every delicious moment in life. There will be bumps in the road of life. But there is always a lesson to be learned. Life teaches you that no matter what path you choose, the choice is always yours.

“All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The power lies within you to create a magical and bountiful life. Living life with love and gratitude will attract everything you desire and more. Learning to listen and pay attention to your true heart’s desire will give you everything you truly deserve in life. Speaking your authentic truth by asking the Universe for what you want, and you SHALL receive. Living life with confidence, and knowing you are worthy enough for good fortune, good luck and a good life.

“Love the life you live. Live the life you love.” ~Bob Marley

Be grateful for everything around you. It takes only a small amount of effort to have a fulfilled and productive life. Share yourself with friends, family and others who uplift your soul. Life is meant for living, and giving and those who give also receive. Take time to enjoy and savour all the delicious moments of life. Surround yourself with good people, beautiful places, delicious foods, and everything that brings you incredible pleasure in life.

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined.”~Henry David Thoreau

The way to have a good life is to just live it!

As I walk through this life, I feel myself transitioning into a new version of me. I am letting go the layers of resistance and behavioural patterns that are no longer serving me. My soul wants to remember how to LIVE, even through uncomfortable times and situations. I am trying to grow into someone who I am truly meant to be. But in order for me to grow, I need to forgive.

When something causes me discomfort or challenges me, it is a positive sign that growth is happening. My soul knows in order for me to evolve as a human being, I need to get out of my comfort zone, and do all the things that make me uncomfortable. I cannot move forward in life if there is unfinished business, unsolved conflicts or lessons not learned.

I often look back at the road I have travelled, and then forward to the road up ahead. I immediately think of the quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”

As I navigate working through my past; I know whole heartedly, I will be deserving of the future I desire. While my mind is expanding to all these new skills, ideas and opportunities; my heart is healing from mistakes, traumas and disappointments.

I feel as though I am faced with a double ended sword. Meaning that whatever I create, I can also destroy. My heart and mind must be resilient to change and forgiveness. To be of service to others, I must also be of service to myself.

It is important to connect to the soul. Some of the ways I connect to my soul are through meditation, prayer, journaling, and dreams. I also, find connection with reiki, breathwork and hypnosis sessions helpful and beneficial. I allow myself to listen to my soul. Whether it be in the form of whispers, signs or symbols from the Universe, and hunches or feelings. When I can connect and listen to my soul, then I can take action of what I’m truly meant to do.

Every thought that is, was and everything that will be comes from the past and future. I believe I need to listen to the guidance from the soul, heal my past traumas of the heart, forgive others and myself, be open to expand my mind to new opportunities, and let go of the need to control the outcomes of my future.

I am navigating my soul by allowing myself to be open. Open to receive. Open to believe. Open to give. Open to forgive. Open to let go. Open to grow.

To my understanding if you see something with your own two eyes, then it must be real. But really, is it true? Just because we see something, does it actually make it real? What about the other senses? What if you feel something so powerfully but cannot see it? Does that mean what I feel, is not real?

I am someone who thinks outside the box. I ask questions. I research up on the things that just don’t make sense. I read books and watch documentaries that give me some of the answers, I am searching for in life. But when, what I read or watch doesn’t answer all my questions, I need to dive deeper to understand why things happen.

I have been doing a serious deep dive into my subconscious mind. By practicing meditation, breathwork, reiki, past life regression and experimenting with plant medicines. I do believe, that I have lived many lives within many different physical bodies. I often wonder, if someone else is living a parallel life to mine in another universe. I don’t believe in one God, but many Gods. I believe everyone has a soul. I believe there’s an afterlife and or reincarnation. I believe every human being, is here on Earth for their own personal purpose.

It is an incredibly fascinating way of thinking. Rather than seeing is believing. Why not feeling is believing? To me, that is the energy I want to experience. When this happens, I feel like my personal spidey senses are turned on and amplified. I love when I meet someone new, but have this bizarre feeling we have met before or we have known each other our whole lives. It’s interesting, when I travel to new destinations and have a strong sense of déjà vu, as if I have already been there before and everything feels extremely familiar.

I often wonder if life is endless, in that we never die, and we are never really born. Humans beings in the physical form are souls living in different lives, repeating stories until lessons are learned. My mind is blown with infinite possibilities, of where and who I have been in all my lives. I heard somewhere, that dreams are often actual past life experiences. No wonder when I dream, I never want to wake up. Sometimes the dreamworld is better than my reality. Now, if I could only record my dreams, it could be my personal collection of my many lives in different lifetimes.

It is a privilege to be able to see things with two eyes and have the sense of sight. But it is even more powerful, to view life with closed eyes and within the mind’s eye. When you can allow the third eye to open, it opens up unlimited possibilities. Even when we are developing inside the womb, the first organs to develop are the ears. The baby inside the womb first experiences the sense of sound and vibration. Without being able to see what’s happening outside the womb, the baby can feel sound sensations and vibrations.

So, it makes sense to return to that feeling of what makes us feel good, safe and supported. Just like when we are inside the womb. Vibrations, sensations, energy, tingling, heartfelt emotions, goosebumps, butterflies etc. It doesn’t matter what you call it. If it makes you feel good or bad, you should be “all in” with the feels. You can call me a dreamer, but I am a believer.

Feeling is believing and I’m here for it.

It takes a lot of courage to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Not only understanding how people think, act or do things differently, but understanding everyone’s experience to life is MUCH different than yours.

In this day in age, if you don’t just follow along with what everyone believes in, you will most likely be shunned or looked down upon. Most people do not want to ruffle any feathers, stir the pot or add some fuel to the fire per say when it comes to speaking their own authentic truth. People would rather just stay quiet and blend in with the crowd.

I have always been someone who has been very outspoken. I have no problem saying exactly what I want and when I want. I have learned over the years, that is it not what you say but how you say it that matters.

I will never forget what my math teacher/ volleyball coach said to me years ago “Fiona one of these days your mouth will get you into BIG trouble” and I have learned that the hard way. I had to stop being so mouthy and aggressive with my approach to speaking to others. I’ve had to not let my emotions get the best of me. Responding with anger or by blowing up at someone was not the right solution. Sometimes no response is the best response.

My life experiences with my relationships with friends, boyfriends, family members, strangers and even my patients is not like anyone else’s experience. Only I, can know what I have been through within my life.

Every good, bad, loving, difficult, annoying, supportive, disgusting, ugly, caring, respectful person in my life, has taught me some sort of lesson. I have either been knocked down or survived in triumph, but in all cases I have grown into a better understanding of myself and in this life.

Everyone has their own trials and tribulations, challenges, emotions and even thought processes. How I perceive something to be, is not how others will perceive them to be.

Everything that has happened before me, has shaped every decision by me. Same goes for every single person on this planet. I have no idea what someone’s life experience has been up until now. Unless I can learn to walk a mile in someone’s shoes without judgement, and understand everyone’s experience is just different.

It can be hard to live an unbothered life, when we are constantly faced with problems in an anxious world. Just when you think you have your head on straight and everything seems to be going your way, something or someone rips the carpet out from under your feet and your laying flat on your face.

We all have problems. We all process problems differently. With physical health, mental health, healthy relationships, job satisfaction, work life balance, family life, financial, death of loved ones and anything else people have to deal with and then function as a normal human being. Then there’s social media, world news and environmental concerns on top of that. I’m surprised that people’s heads aren’t exploding at the seams.

When times get tough and I feeling like I’m losing my mind, I know I must turn inward. Turn off the noise. Turn off the external distractions. Turn off other people’s opinions. Sit down, close my eyes and just breathe. It’s taken many years, but that’s why it’s called practice. It’s only gets better the more you sit in silence. Meditation is the answer.

I can’t explain how it makes everything make sense. Meditation brings me back to being present and focus on what is really important. Life is a blessing. I learn to count my blessings and express my gratitude daily. I’m reminded to love everyone and to send loving kindness to all. Even the people who piss me right off and I want to punch in the face. I send them a double dose of love and kindness. I may not sit eye to eye with certain people, but I can still love them.

In order to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, I must learn to love them as one. Even though we are different, we are still very much the same. Learning to be unbothered starts with finding love and peace from within. When I can love others, I can love myself. When I can love myself, nothing can bother my inner peace. Live life. Breathe life. Love life. Be unbothered.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. ~Reinhold Niebuhr

Lately, it feels as if the world has literally been flipped upside down and turned inside out. It is sometimes hard to remain calm with emotions intact. It’s no big mystery, that the world as we know it has drastically changed. Maybe not entirely for the better of humankind. But change is constant and it’s happening everyday. With change comes chaos, loss of control and emotional turmoil.

The serenity prayer reminds us to stay calm during any ups and downs of life. To always be reminded that “this too shall pass” not all dark days will stay dark, and even bright happy days will also change. It is important to learn to accept, whatever life throws at you with an open heart and mind. It is best to let go the need to control, especially when things get out of control. It is how you respond to a situation or life event, which is truly the answer. Find whatever brings you inner peace and return to that feeling often as needed.

Amongst the chaos and turmoil, it is learning to be brave enough to live life without fear. Learning to embrace difficulties or challenges head on with love and willingness to grow. If we are constantly doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results that is the definition of INSANITY!

It is important to be honest with yourself and what is truly important to you. Not how others tell you how to live. But, how you are truly meant to live. Live an honest life full of integrity and always do the right thing. Never give up on yourself, especially when times get tough. Always have faith that things will work themselves out for the best. When times get out of your control, learn to ask for help and advice from others. Learn from your mistakes and take in the wisdom to never make those mistakes again.

Turn to the serenity prayer whenever you feel emotional stress such as anger, frustration, worry, irritation or even impatience. Saying the serenity prayer out loud helps divert any emotional turmoil or uncontrollable feelings. I keep the serenity prayer in my notes on my phone. Even just reading the words automatically brings me inner peace. Staying in my inner peace I practice daily meditation, breathwork, positive affirmations, praying and journaling. It is a lifelong practice but it is a worthwhile practice. I am calm. I am safe. I am peaceful and I don’t sweat the small stuff.

May you find your own serenity during chaotic and emotional times. May you be at peace.