Memoirs of an Emotional Fish

The older I get the more I feel the need to be loved. It’s a weird thing what human beings do, we put ourselves out there in the world in hopes that someone would love us back. Learning to find “your person” who makes your heart shine is a beautiful feeling. I’ve been peeling away the layers about myself and searching for someone who will allow me to be truly vulnerable.

The thing about me is I’m very resilient. My heart may be soft and sensitive, but the amount of times I get back up is monumental. I have learned to love and accept myself, just as exactly as I am. I constantly remind myself, that when things don’t work out the Universe has something even better in store for me.

I get knocked down, but I find the strength to get back up and continue to go forward. Even though my exterior is tough as nails, my heart is delicate, soft and pure. I try to look for the love that resides within everyone. My problem is, I love too hard, too fast and without any breaks. I’m all in with my love, and I realize it’s too much for others.

To honour and love myself first and foremost is top priority. Even when someone checks off all the boxes and seems like my dream come true, sometimes something is still missing. Whether it’s romantic, spiritual, chemistry or physical connection, there has to be that connection of energy and love.

Toujours perdrix is defined as too much of a good thing. I know when someone seems so perfect and all my prayers have been answered, I have to remember to step back and see the whole picture. Is it actually perfect? Is it exactly what I want? Or am I trying to make it something that I want so badly? Is it actually love or am I in love with the idea of being in love?

When I’m trying to force love, then I see everything unfold right before my eyes. Of course it feels good to have human connection and it makes the heart full & happy. But if I’m forcing it, the truth is, it’s not meant to be. Love should be easy. Love should be mutual. There’s should be a duality of love and reciprocated on both sides.

I write this to heal from a wounded heart. Knowing that everything will be okay. I am okay. I can never stop having faith in my ability to love and be loved in return. In the end, I will always be harmonious, poised, irresistible and magnetic. It’s just finding the perfect connection to me, my heart and soul.

My heart hurts but the pain is temporary. Love resides within my heart, body and soul. It grows, expands more and more everyday. There’s one thing that I do know, and it is I AM capable of finding love, being loved and writing my perfect love story. While this story has ended, I look forward to moving onto the next.

Toujours perdrix there’s never enough of too much of a good thing. Bring it on and in abundance of it, because I’m ready for a deep, heartfelt palpable love. It’s written in the stars and it’s coming to me. Today I am loved and tomorrow I will be loved even more.

I truthfully have been feeling all out of sorts lately. I am overcome with sadness and bitterness. Sometimes it’s hard to celebrate everyone else’s wonderful life moments when I feel I am stuck at a crossroads. I feel like everyone around me is moving onto the next chapter of their lives.

Whether people are buying their first new home, having their first child or second child, getting engaged or changing careers they are doing something new and exciting. I’m not saying my life isn’t exciting because life in itself is absolutely exciting just to be alive. I love life and am grateful every morning and every night for whatever the day has given me.

I know I should not compare my life to others or be concerned about my timeline. But it’s hard not to, knowing I’m only getting older as the clock ticks closer to death. I would be lying if I said I was happy-go-lucky every day. Most of my days I am incredibly happy and loving life. I am also a human being and I cannot help to feel sad or worthless at times. I see all these good and beautiful moments happening to everyone around me. It makes me wonder “What’s wrong with me?” and “Am I not worthy of the good things in life?”

I try to always live my life with love in every aspect of my being. Love for others and love for myself. To love what I do and to love what I am capable of doing. When I love life and be grateful, everything seems to go with the flow naturally. I always seem to get everything I want, desire and more. But lately, I feel am constantly trying fight away feelings of fear, sadness and doubt. So maybe there’s a reason these feelings of insecurity keep coming up and I am meant to address them in my life.

My problem is that I take things to heart. I love easily. I get emotional and get out of sorts with my feelings. My deepest desire in life is to be loved. To be loved so much that I have a reason for living. I am always reminded of my grandma aka Mama. I can’t explain it but the way she loved me was like no other. Even more than how my parents love me. The way Mama loved me was deep and real heartfelt love. I could feel it in my bones. Maybe I’m crazy to think that someone would ever love me like that ever again.

I hold that kind of love deep within my heart. This is one of the reasons why I want to be a mother. I feel I have so much love to give it is meant for growing children. I have had many relationships with men, some of which I thought I loved so deeply and others I just had lustful love. I look at my friends and family who have these beautiful amazing families and I cannot help to be envious. I want that life. I dream of a life of love like that always. I pray every night that everything that I’m doing is creating the life I want.

In honour, of my grandma aka mama, I decided to get an anatomical heart on the left side of my arm. A literal heart on my sleeve, as cliche as that may be, it is what it is. I am reminded to love from the “Deep of my Heart” and I added her signature from a birthday card, so she can always brighten my day and be by my side. Everything is happening around me and I am completely taken care of because she’s watching over me. My time will come and everything I’ve ever dreamed of will come true. I know this is true because how much I love. There is no greater power than the power of love.

I have always been a person who loves sleep. Maybe because I love to dream. I feel like in my dreams, I travel to far off places and have conversations with people I have met before or have yet to meet in life. So when my alarm goes off in the morning sometimes I don’t want to leave that magical dreamland.

I wouldn’t mind waking up super early if I truthfully, didn’t go to bed so late. I have this weird sense of FOMO, like I’m going to miss out on something really exciting happening around the hours of 12am-5am. But once my head hits the pillow I’m off to la la land. Mr. Sandman doesn’t even need to sprinkle his sleeping stardust on me because I’m asleep as soon as my eyes are closed.

I am the type of person who can sleep anywhere, anytime and in any position. Some of my best naps have been riding on the subway. I even fell asleep standing up one time. Put me in any automobile or plane, train or on a boat and I will guarantee that I will fall asleep. Afternoon naps are my favourite. Give me a minimum 20 minutes in a day and I can fall asleep in any chair. So I think it’s safe to say I’m a pretty great sleeper.

I read somewhere, in the first 30 minutes upon waking up in the morning sets the tone of the entire day. I also read that geniuses can survive on 4 hours of sleep. So my thoughts of me going to bed late and waking up super early would make me a genius right?!!? It doesn’t take a genius to know that won’t work.

I recently completed teaching my first 21 Day Meditation Challenge. This challenge was dedicated to Brain Awareness and Alzheimer’s month. I would start off with fun brain training games then followed with breath work. The breath work would tie in beautifully with the meditation. My intention was to establish a good morning routine that would benefit me and my students each morning. I wanted to promote healthy strong minds that would benefit long term effects such as memory, focus, language, concentration and problem solving skills.

At first it was so easy to wake up early and be still. I would sit in meditation for 10 minutes and ask my spirit guides to fill me with the highest source of love and compassion, so I could deliver a wonderful class of healing. After I would do my brain training through Luminosity Brain app. I found establishing my personal morning routine was better when I was able to write things down. I had the help of staying accountable by using My Morning Magic Journal an incredibly thought out and profound journal book created by Anna Gala.

For me personally, when I can write things down on paper like my thoughts, feelings or goals it makes my wishes, hopes and desires seem that much more real. I believe when I can get my thoughts out on paper and written by hand, I am telling the Universe what REALLY is important to me.

What I love about the My Morning Magic Journal is how well it’s organized. You open the book on a new page and ready to create your thoughts. Turning on to a blank page is like starting fresh every single day. You fill out the date at the top, which reminds me that I am present on that specific date. Next there’s always a beautiful quote at the top of the page. Reading a quote from a famous person or anonymous source reminds me that someone before me has also experienced everything that I am experiencing now.

The actual magic begins when you start letting your pen hit the paper. I love to write, so there’s never enough space for me to write out my thoughts, feelings, emotions and mood but I try to narrow it down to what is most important in that moment. I go with the first thought that comes up. Not all my million thoughts can make it on the page. I love how the journal is broken down into sections “Get Still. Get Moving. Get Going”. I don’t always do my routine in that order but I like to use it as a checklist guide.

After when I have completed all sections in the journal, then that is when I’m ready to teach my morning 21 Day Meditation event. Allowing myself to be grateful to fully share my safe space and meditation practice with others. I found when I took the time to wake up early and do my morning routine before I even began to share, I was more relaxed. I was prepared. I spoke thoughtfully and mindfully.

There were some days during the 21 Days where I did not want to wake up. So I let myself sleep in a little bit more. But on those days I was rushing just to get my morning routine completed. I felt stressed and needed even more time just to bring myself back to centre. So I made it a habit to wake up at 5:20am. I gave myself the extra 10 minutes just in case I needed more time to stretch and get out of bed.

It was easier waking up knowing I had to be there for these ladies each and every morning. Now that the meditation challenge is complete, I’ll have to keep myself accountable by sticking to my own morning routine. I don’t think I’ll be waking up at 5:20am anymore but I’m going to start by reaching for My Morning Magic Journal versus reaching for my phone and checking social media or reading emails.

The way I see it, if I’m lucky enough to open my eyes and to breathe another day, then I’m going to rise & shine to the best possible version of me everyday. I am going to start waking up knowing that “I am Magic” and everyday is blessing just to be alive.

My morning routine
Stretch 5 minutes
Drink Full Glass of Water
Make Tea
Meditation and Breath Work 10-15 minutes
Write in “My Morning Magic Journal” 15-20minutes
Luminosity Brain Training App 10 minutes
Drink Tea
Check social media and emails 20 minutes
Exercise 60-90 minutes (boxing, kettlebell, HIIT, run or yoga)

Everything that happens after my morning routine is just gravy. So I’m going to be more mindful to start all my mornings off with a little more morning magic. Cheers to every morning to being a great morning.

I honestly have nobody to talk to anymore. Everyone is too busy to listen. People are either having conversations about nothing or talking over one another. Nobody listens or has anything worthwhile to say. It’s the same conversations day in and day out. People complaining and obeying on how to live their lives.

I feel very disconnected with my friends who are suppose to be like my family. I feel very isolated from my own family. There’s a massive divide and I’m on the other side. I want people to understand there’s more to life than what they are being told. But nobody will listen. People want an easy way out and don’t even try to live life.

I constantly have to watch what I say and who I say it to, because God forbid I say something that will offend someone. Not really sure, why I have to be the one who watches what I say. I’m the one living my life, exactly as I choose to live my life. I choose a life of love. I choose a life of freedom. I choose a life of speaking my truth.

I am very intuitive and a sensitive soul. I can sense other people’s energy around me. There may be smiles on people’s faces (under their masks) but there is a lot of sadness in people’s hearts. Low vibrations, moods and energy is what I pick up from everyone around me. It’s only getting worse.

I have found myself turning more inward to meditation, breath work and journaling. It’s been a while since my last blog, so I thought I’d try and get some of my thoughts out again. I wouldn’t say I haven’t been inspired to write, but more so trying to find the right words to say. In the end, it doesn’t matter what I write, as long as I just get it out and down for others to read.

I have experienced more headaches in the past year, than I have ever had in my whole life. People are more judgemental, incredibly rude and easily offended. It’s my job as a healer, to be a therapist and to listen to people’s troubles or their feelings.

I’m sick and tired of people complaining about the same shit everyday. If you don’t like something, change it. If something isn’t working out, change it. If your pain is not getting better, do something about it. I do my best to help heal and make people feel better, but if they aren’t willing to do their own inner work or homework then nothing changes. I can only do so much.

I feel I am being called to be doing more mindfulness work. I feel excited when I can help someone tap into a deeper level of themselves. There’s something so satisfying when someone tells me they feel so present and connected to their physical, spirit and soul body. That’s magical and a wonderful thing.

I want to help others to understand that there is much more to them besides the physical body. There is much more connection to one another and to time & space. People are disconnected from who they really are and who they are meant to be. I have this desire to help others be better human beings. But nobody wants to listen. I feel everyone’s pain. I feel everyone’s hurt. I feel everyone’s fear. I feel everyone’s uncertainty about life.

You only die once. I want to live life with every ounce of my soul. I want to live a life with every fibre of my being. I want love to be the reason for living. I want to be able to teach people how to live better lives by making decision for themselves. I want a world that communicates with one another without judgements, blame or shame. I am doing the very best I can in this life. But I cannot do it alone.

I need you and I need your love right now.

I’m doing my best to keep it together today. Much like any other day it’s just another day. But the significance of this date haunts me every year. While some of the details have faded out of my memory, some things remain ingrained into my brain. Believe me, I have tried to forget but there are somethings you can never forget.

I sit here with a smile on my face, desperately trying to hold back my tears. I feel the heaviness on my shoulders and a deep ache in my heart. I write these words not for any sympathy, but to heal my old wounds. I need to release this pain, so I am able to heal my heart.

This whole week leading up to this date I have felt extreme sadness and had no idea why or where it was coming from. I’m usually happy, upbeat, positive and in the best of moods. Then I looked at the date and I finally remembered why. Something happened to me a few years ago, which was a very traumatic experience and a very low point in my life. I won’t get into any details but if you can “read between the lines” I’m sure you can figure it out.

I always imagine what my life would be like if I had gone the other direction. Sometimes in life you are caught between a rock and a hard place. You have to make decisions that ultimately affects the rest of you life. Good choice? Bad choice? Right decision? Wrong decision? In the end it’s whatever is best for me.

I am a very strong and confident woman, but I’m still a woman. I have a soft, delicate and vulnerable heart. Nothing can prepare you for how you feel emotionally when you lose a loved one.

Every February 23rd my body and mind remind me that a part of me died that day. Pieces of my heart. Pieces of my soul. Pieces of my essence. Pieces of me gone forever.

It takes every ounce of my being to remind myself that I am okay especially on this day. I believe deep down in my soul that everything in life will work out perfectly. I deserve the very best in life. I need to always do what’s best for me. I always have to be grateful for everything that I have and everything that is coming to me.

I smile through my tears, because I know there is so much more life out there for me. My tears may still fall and heart might still ache from time after time. But it’s okay, because I know one day my tears will be for joy and my heart will be full of love. I know when I get there it will be the best day and years of my life.

You would think someone of my highly intuitive and sensitive nature, I’d be the type of person who loves to cry. I don’t.

Even with my astrological Sun sign is Pisces and my Moon is Cancer and my ascending is also Cancer, I’m essentially all water. Not to mention, I was born on a Wednesday. Apparently being born on a Wednesday is person full of woe and sorrow. The odds are heavily weighed against me to be emotional train wreck. However, I prefer the term a sensitive soul.

I guess it’s been ingrained into my well-being that crying is not okay. I remember being a kid and someone saying to me “Stop crying. You’re making an ugly face when cry. Go wash you face and put away those tears.” So I stopped crying.

I developed pretty thick skin, so my exterior has always been tough and strong. But my heart has always been a little on the sensitive side. I may not cry at sappy romantic comedies or if I got hurt badly while playing sports. Even when I got punched in the face, I did not cry. But I have certainly cried after a relationship breakup, death of a loved one, failing an exam, car accidents and even at some beautifully made music just to name a few. I would only cry if there was a good reason for crying.

Crying to me, has always been a sign of weakness and vulnerability. I have always wanted to appear confident and strong. I never understood when friends would say they love a “good cry” and how they feel after getting it all out. When I think of crying I think of tragedy, trauma or pain. Why would I want to feel pain? It didn’t make much sense to me.

Like any other person in their life, I have experienced tragedy, trauma and pain. I have cried so hard my eye sockets were so dry and I thought I would have no more tears left to cry. But I cried in private. I only cried when no one else would see me. I would cover my face with my pillow so nobody could hear me crying. I was ashamed to cry.

Throughout my life I’ve done a lot of soul searching with from numerous self help books, metaphysical courses, spiritual retreats, plant medicines ceremonies, meditation journeys, journaling to help me understand more about myself and my growth as a person.

What I discovered, was the more I allowed my heart to really be open, then I was able to “Let Go” and surrender to whatever was coming up for me. I have allowed myself to cry again. Some tears of pain but now more so tears of gratitude. Tears of joy. Tears of happiness. Tears of love. Tears of cleansing my soul and my fulfilling my heart’s desire.

One of the best cries in my life was at a yoga meditation retreat in Guadalajara, Mexico. I had a falling out with a best friend. I was also, so in love with this guy who left me to return back to the States. My heart hurt so much at the beginning of the class. I also would be returning back to Canada and felt I didn’t feel fulfilled with the retreat.

The class was all about surrender. I remember it, if it was clear as day. I decided to let myself be here and be now. I was fully immersed in my breath and the yoga poses. My breathing was intense and electrifying. I managed to slow my breath down in difficult poses, so I could get deeper into the pose. I remember, I was in camel pose. I could never fully lie flat on the ground without feeling pain in my legs and hips. I kept breathing but had vision of my ex best friend and the guy who broke my heart.

The instructor came over to me and told me to breathe into the pose. She tapped onto my sternum and whispered “Let Go” and like that as of she hit a switch, my entire body went flat to the floor and tears instantly came flooding out of my eyes. The instructor said “You have been holding onto something for quite sometime. Let it out.”

My breath was intense. I felt as if my heart energy had actually opened up and was flowing freely. I felt a warm tingly sensation all over my skin. It wasn’t until I was laying in shavasana and my breath became organically orgasmic. My body was vibrating. My heartbeat felt like it was coming out of my chest. I felt like I was levitating right off the ground. I essentially felt like I was high on drugs. But I had not taken anything. Not even a sip of water.

So then I cried and I cried and I cried. It was the most amazing cry of my life. I saw my ex best friend and the guy who broke my heart in my visions. All I heard was “Everything will be okay” and everything was better than okay. Everything was pure love and beyond amazing.

I still don’t enjoy crying and I don’t feel comfortable crying in front of others. But I’m learning to embrace being one with my feelings and surrendering to letting go. Crying does not have to be about something tragic. Crying can be about something beautiful and merely loving life. I may not love crying but I am learning to just let it happen. Crying is a good cleanse for the mind, body and soul. Whatever happens in my life, I will always remember it’s okay not being okay.

Today marks 100 days of quarantine but since my gradual return back to work…my so called quarantine life has come to some what of an end. But what have I done consistently for the past 100 days?

Meditation

Each time I sat in stillness, I reflected back on the past 100 days. I’ve learned a better understanding of myself and the world.

When I could no longer work, it made me recognize that I was working way too much. I was overworked and exhausted. It made me bitter and angry. I am extremely grateful for my time off work. My body and my mind 100% needed to reset my batteries and rejuvenate my soul.

When I had no income coming in, it was a real eye opener to see that I didn’t need to be spending so much money on material things. From all my vacations, photoshoots, food delivery services, personal training sessions, dining out, gym memberships, parking, excessive use of the 407, expensive clothes etc. I really now value a dollar and appreciate what it means to save money versus spending.

I honoured spending quality time with my family, especially my parents. I made time to reach out and connect with friends and family. I learned to listen more and speak less. I valued the people who “checked in” on me to see how I was doing.

I loved diving deep down into literature. From self help books, biographies, fictional stories and even educational reading material or courses. I felt it was important to stimulate my brain with reading as much as I possibly could. Learning, educating, growing and understanding how to be a better human being. Reading was a form of meditation to me because it helped me focus and shut off the social media world of distractions. I didn’t want to look back and be proud of all the tv shows I binge watched. I felt more accomplished by reading books.

Along with meditation, I found daily exercise was a necessity. The act of movement whether it was vigorous running to strenuous weight training and boxing, right down to free flowing yoga was essential to my mind, body and soul. Not just for my physical fitness but for my mental clarity. Exercise and meditation go hand in hand.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and as a human being. It’s important to always have a optimistic outlook on life. Also it’s important to honour your emotions. I acknowledged and expressed my emotions, but also learned to resolve them so I could move on. I know what I desire in my life and what is truly important. I value love, kindness, respect and real friendship. I know I’m worthy and deserve the best that life has to offer me. I’m grateful everyday.

I’m lucky I have travelled a lot in my life. I’ve built up a successful career. I have the most loving and supportive family. I have amazing friends who I honour and value their friendship. I have lived life to the absolute fullest. So me being off work for 3 months was something that I absolutely needed. I accepted this with open arms and an open heart.

Meditation has become an essential part of my daily lifestyle. Every morning I wake up and I meditate. Every night I go to bed and I meditate. I survived quarantine because of meditation. I’m stronger than ever because I meditate.

Thank You 2020 it has been a rough year to start, but what a time to be alive.

Today I sit here reflecting back on the last 90 days of my so called quarantine life. I survived. I think of all the things I have accomplished in the past 90 days, I am proud and grateful. I’m glad I didn’t sit around complaining and just waiting for the lockdown to end. I’ve been proactive with my studies, my physical fitness, rebuilding my finances and maintaining connections with my friends and family. It could have been a lot worse I could have been stuck with a 90 day Fiancé that I didn’t like…I could have been doing P90x for 90 days straight or best case scenario I could have been 3 months pregnant and nobody would have even known. But I’m definitely not doing any of those options.

While many businesses will gradually reopen and many people will return to work. There is still a shortage of personal protective equipment (PPE), specifically face masks. I am fortunate enough to be able to return to work. However, returning to work required additional training. I had to partake in several mandatory modules from Public Health Ontario about IPAC (Infection Prevention and Control) and other clinic disinfecting procedures to help stop the spread of COVID-19. I’m really not sure how I am feeling about returning to work now. I do miss doing massage therapy treatments. I miss my patients. I miss my work environment.

I have probably said this before, but the thought of wearing a mask is not appealing to me. Not just as the therapist, but if I were a patient. I used to go for regular massage therapy, physiotherapy and chiropractic treatments for my personal self care. I just can’t be convinced that this is “the new normal” and I know I am not alone in this thinking. But since it is a mandatory protocol for returning to work, I really don’t have a choice.

I cannot seem to comprehend how a virus that is so highly contagious, but yet millions of people took the streets during the Black Lives protests. Across the world people of all races, ages, genders stood up and supported one another to fight for Black Lives Matter. I think it’s important as a human race to support one another. To love one another and to treat each other like we are fellow brothers and sisters. But I have to ask myself how serious is this COVID-19 in the first place?

2020 has definitely not been anything but dull to say the least. Many referred to this year as 20/20 vision. I understand that now. Most people have been awaken to the world and their existence on this planet. There has been so much the world has gone through in 2020 from natural disasters such as bushfires, volcano eruptions, earthquakes, floods, avalanches, tornadoes, economy plummeting, plane crashes, shootings, stabbings, riots, Kobe Bryant’s death, worldwide lockdown, Summer Olympics postponed until 2021, Black Lives Matter protests, corona virus aka COVID-19 pandemic and everything else the media didn’t tell us about.

During my lockdown I have learned to be more patient, especially during a time of uncertainty. I am grateful for everything and everyone in my life. I believe that nothing lasts forever. So things may be bad right now but they can only get better. Laughter is my medicine. Meditation is essential. Staying positive is mandatory. I am lucky to be able to return work, even under the circumstances. But I understand not everyone is as fortunate and some still have financial burdens. I am doing my part to heal the world with my voice, with my hands and how I treat other people. This is my last “Thoughts from the Couch” as my so called quarantine life comes to an end. My final thoughts to each and everyone of you is to Be kind. Respect others. Love yourself. This too shall pass.

Today much like any other day, is just another day in my so called quarantine life. It’s been 70 days since this pandemic has become my new reality. For the most part I am in good spirits and looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. But at the same time, I have had more migraines in the past 2 months than I have ever had in my whole life. I don’t know if this is related, but my dreams have been incredibly vivid and more wild. I remember specific details and conversations within my dreams. I am now meditating twice a day. First thing when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I do before I go to bed. Meditation has been the best remedy, helping me survive day to day in my so called quarantine life.

Many businesses have reopened again but protective wear and disinfecting protocol have been mandated. Parks are allowing people to gather in small groups. Most restaurants are takeout only or curb side pickup. Some stores in the malls have reopened. But only department stores with a direct entrance. This means no stores in the middle of the mall are open. I’m seeing a lot less people wearing masks and not abiding by the physical distancing rules. Either people don’t care or have totally lost their minds. Being cooped up indoors is not normal. Not seeing friends or family is not normal. But at the same time, people still need to be cautious and beware of a second wave of the virus that is coming.

I can honestly say I was the type of person who absolutely hated video calls. But during these couple months I’ve really grown to love the video calls. I’ve had so many video calls for birthdays, theme parties, random day chats, baby showers, graduation, reunions and work conference calls. Even though a lot of the conversation is the same and how people are surviving and getting though this life, I’m ever so grateful for all the chats. I always feel so uplifted and full of love after all the calls. I’m more social over video calls, compared to how I was before being social and going out with friends. I virtually teach boxing 3 times per week and teach a HIIT class on the other 2 days. Basically video calls has become a way of life for me. Video chat calls has been the second best remedy during my so called quarantine life.

During one work video meeting we discussed all the protocol going forward. It’s become a waiting game. Waiting to hear from the government, if massage therapy services will be allowed to open up again and when to the public. I absolutely love what I do. I take pride in the healing touch I provide to my patients. But the thought of having to wear basically something like a hazmat suit sounds totally off putting to me. Not too mention people are paying top dollar to have a relaxing experience. The sounds of squeaky gloves, crinkly protective gown and muffled words under a mask does not seem like a very luxurious experience at all. It sounds like a nightmare to be honest.

After it’s all said and done. I am hopeful. I am confident. I believe business will be better than ever and will be booming again once we are allowed to open the doors to the public. I can’t wait to return to work. I miss work. I miss my patients. I miss the therapeutic touch. I miss working hard for my hard earned dollar. I am grateful the government is able to help me out financially during this time, but I want to work. I enjoy work. I love work. At the end of the day, I’m going to continue to do my part to keep myself and other people safe. All I can hope is that others will do the same. Who knows what tomorrow brings, but I plan to make everyday the best day.

I’m grateful to be alive.

It funny how life can change from day to day, from hour to hour, from minute to minute. It is now Day 40 in my so-called quarantine life. I don’t even know what day it is anymore. Tuesday? Thursday? Spring? I barely ever check the time on the clock. But does it even really matter?

I have gotten into a regular routine of living life. I start with a morning meditation, breakfast, workout, finish a module from my online course, read, do some cleaning, scroll through social media, chat with friends, lunch, listen to music & have a dance break, read, video chat friends, yoga, dinner, do more cleaning, watch a movie, read more and another meditation before bed. I figure if I can keep my mind and body being active during this time, then I’ll be better in the long run.

Not to say I stick to that routine schedule. C’mon let’s be real! Sometimes I don’t wake up until noon and sometimes all I do all day is eat. But for the most part I try to have a somewhat routine. I’m pretty sure my fridge speaks to me whenever I open the door and it says “What do you want now?”

My body is not only sore, but aches in pain from the amount of daily physical activity that I have been doing. I haven’t had a massage or seen my chiropractor in months. I was fortunate to be able to instruct a Facebook live demonstrating self massage for a former coach on her page. Only to realize how badly I need a massage and how much I miss massaging my very own patients.

So what exactly has been happening in the world in the past few weeks? I don’t have cable nor do I listen to the radio. All my news is from hearing through friends or on social media. If dealing with the amount of rising deaths from COVID19 wasn’t bad enough, there was a massive shooting in Nova Scotia. It has been called the deadliest shooting in Canadian history. I also heard a rumour that WWE aka World Wrestling Entertainment is now considered an essential service and will be returning to televisions. WTF! Are you f**king kidding me? The idea of wrestlers rolling around, sweating, breathing on each other does not sound like anything like physical distancing! Nevermind all the protestors in America breaking out about the stay-home orders. Maybe I’m better off living in my bubble and not knowing.

Not all news is bad. I always try to find the bright side of things in life. During this time I have be reunited with old friends, I haven’t seen in years. Obviously not in person but through video chat outlets. Even though we aren’t physically spending time together, face to face video chats have been wonderful for my soul. Reminiscing over old times and laughing so hard my stomach hurts with tears filled in my eyes. During this time I gave my mother a haircut and coloured her hair. Let’s just say “thank god it will grow back.” I have never laughed so hard in my entire life after cutting her hair. But I’m definitely learning many new skills and tricks that I never knew how to do before. Hey…if you want to survive in this world you have to be willing to learn a new skill…everyday.

My advice right now at this stage in the game is to be a f**king nice human being. Always be kind. People will either become more compassionate or turn into bigger a**holes. Seriously what is the point? We are all in this together. Every single person on this planet Earth that we call home. The sooner we can learn to STAY THE F*CK HOME! The faster we can return to our loved ones for an actual real heart to heart bear hugs, butt squeezes, high 5s, forehead kisses and basically everything good about physical touch.

I want to forget all words like quarantine, isolation, physical and social distancing. Enough is enough. I know I am not alone in this thinking. Seriously f*ck off COVID19 aka corona virus you’re like that uninvited house guest who has over stayed her welcome. It’s time for you BEAT IT! Hit the dusty trail. You are no longer welcome here. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. See you never. You get my point? I’m over you and I think it’s best if you just leave without a trace. Bye b*tch.